Giggle Translate #19: Green juice and turkey dust

Since Thanksgiving just passed not too long ago, I pulled out something I wrote about a Thanksgiving many years ago.  And for fun, I ran it through many different languages with Google Translate just to see what happened.  And then I did the same languages again but in reverse.  Enjoy!

The Original Version:

Wait!  I just thought of another shining moment.  One year, 6 a.m. Thanksgiving morning, I dropped a twenty-pound slippery bird and the overnight brine it was soaking in all over the kitchen floor.  The bird never hit the floor.  Honestly, it really didn't.  (But in the name of all honesty, I probably would have served it anyway if it did.  After I rinsed it well, of course.)  But the kitchen table and floor were covered in raw turkey juice.  So gross!

Nothing creeps me out more than raw poultry juice.  When I make chicken, I'm often heard yelling, "AHHH, RAW CHICKEN JUICE" if so much as one drop splashes on me.  And now here I was, spending all morning on my hands and knees cleaning the floor while covered in soaking-wet, turkey-juice clothes.  I will never soak a turkey again!  Never!!!  Once again, though, I had tried to be fancy.  I thought a nice orange/onion soak would make it really memorable.  Oh, it was memorable, all right!

Now here's the first translated version:

Giggle Translate #18: Yes, I am a Christian, but ...

The original stuff I wrote somewhere else on my blogs:

Yes, I am a rock-solid Christian, but sometimes I just want to do bad things.  I want to say bad words and watch bad movies and listen to bad music and drink bad things and be all mean and cranky toward annoying people.

            

But what I usually end up doing is just watching my 80’s movies, listening to my 80’s music really loudly, drinking no more than an ounce-and-a-half of mildly-alcoholic hard cider (because I really don’t like alcohol ... honestly, I drink no more than one bottle of hard cider a year!), muttering bad words under my breath, and telling my husband all of the whip-smart, snarky things I wanted to tell others but didn’t think of till it was too late. 

Giggle Translate #17: Oh what great serenity!

This "giggle translate" is about my relationship with one of my brothers (I did two translations, just for fun).

You know what, I'm gonna put the translated versions first and then the original paragraph of what really happened.  This way, you can read the translations first and try to figure out what really happened, and then see how right or wrong you are.

Here goes:

Giggle Translate #16: Flying Tic Tacs

Every so often, for a giggle (or to distract myself from anxious thoughts), I will run something I wrote through many different languages on google translate, just to see the wonky results.  Here’s my newest one.  The original paragraph is something I mailed to a friend recently (I may have already done a giggle translate on my embarrassing tic-tac story, I can’t remember.  But there’s always room for more.)  I did this one several times, just to see what came up.  If there's any inappropriate translation, blame google translate.

 

Giggle Translate #15: Some Mom Advice

Some of my "advice for moms" after it's been run through many different languages with Google Translate [Any comments I make about the translation will be in brackets and in blue]:

1. Original Version:

It is perfectly acceptable to start crying over seemingly small things because you are so sleep-deprived that you can’t think straight.  If you have to change the baby’s outfit again because they got some kind of body fluid on it again, go ahead and cry.  If you just dropped the paper towel for the third time because you are too tired and weak to keep a grip on it, let the tears roll.  Or if all of your children have taken up the tribal chant of “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom” at the same time, but no one can hear your small, pathetic plea to stop talking because your head is about to explode, then curl up the fetal position in the corner of the room and sob.  That’s not being too emotional; that’s being smart!  If we didn’t let it out in a cry sometimes, we might explode in a fit of rage!

Giggle Translate #14: Stupid Chipmunk!

I took my "Stupid Chipmunk" post and ran it through Google Translate a lot of different times to see what happened.


Original Post:
If there's a chipmunk that sits five feet outside your dining room window every morning (where you like to sit in the quiet of the morning with your coffee and Bible, enjoying a few moments of peace before the day gets going) ... and this chipmunk chirps shrill-ly and loudly every 3 seconds for hours on end ... and you want to scare it off by throwing something at it ... let me tell you what NOT to do:

Giggle Translate #13: Drunk Airport, Ice Cream Lions, and Death's Eyelashes

I wrote about a bunch of injuries I got when I was young, and then I translated it into many different languages with Google Translate, just to see what happened.  First I will share what really happened, and then I will share how Google Translate reported it.


Original paragraph:

I have had my fair share of injuries as a youngin’.  I was probably a mother’s worst nightmare.  I broke my arm twice in the same spot, once from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong (they threw me too hard) and once from being pushed while on roller skates.  With that one, my arm actually had a big arch where it’s not supposed to have an arch.

Another time, I jumped off the back steps of the same roller rink where I broke my arm and landed right on a metal pole that was sticking out of the ground.  I could tell something wasn’t right, so I pulled my sock down to see.  And when I did, I saw a bunch of skin all mushed up in a place it shouldn’t be.  So I pulled my sock down further and saw no skin where skin should be.  Apparently, the pipe ripped the skin off of that big boney-bump on the inside of my ankle.  And instead of seeing skin, I actually saw the boney-bump.  It took 26 stitches to sew me up.  Eight on the inside, eighteen on the outside.  It was my thirteenth birthday party!  (I also got a pony for my thirteenth birthday!  A real pony that I got to walk from the barn to my backyard so I could give my friends rides.  So cool!)

Giggle Translate #12: Butterflies and Dandruff Head

For the newest Giggle Translate, I wrote about a less-than-pleasant day I had when I injured myself gardening.  Here it is:



The Original Version, in a post under the heading of "Things I've Actually Said":


“Hi, Honey!  I did something stupid.  I’m alright, but can you pick up some butterfly bandages on your way home?”

            
I had just said good-bye to my husband and sons as they left for a store.  And I called out to my husband as he pulled away, “Are you sure you don’t need me to go with you?”

            
But I really preferred to spend some time home alone, so I was relieved when he said, “No, I’ve got it covered.  You stay home and enjoy your time alone.”

            
About a minute after they pulled away, I was trying to hang up a stupid, little, $1, plastic wind-chime.  I was standing on a log and reaching through the side of the trellis to hang it on the outer most rung at the top of the trellis.  Just as I got it into place, the log slipped out from under me and I landed on the ground on my feet.  But as I stood there with my arm still stuck in the trellis side, I knew something was wrong.  I thought I had reached through one of the diamond-shaped holes on the trellis side and that the bottom of my upper arm was being pinched in the bottom of the diamond.

Giggle Translate #11: Praying Mantises (A.K.A. Prayer Helicopters)

Here is my new Giggle Translate.  I ran a post I wrote about hatching praying mantises through many different languages with Google Translate, and here is how it came out:


Original paragraph:
Several years back, I bought some praying mantis egg cases to put in my garden.  But we wanted to watch them hatch (and raise one in a tank on our counter), and so we kept the egg cases in the kitchen suspended from a stick over a bowl.  For weeks they did nothing.  They just sat there, like dried-up walnuts.  I was beginning to wonder if we had a couple of duds.

Giggle Translate #10: Whispers, Tired Cabbage, and North Korea

Here is the original section I wrote for my life story over at my other blog:

I am also a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology.  But that sounds more impressive than it really is, because I actually have very little counseling experience.

And my first “attempt” at it wasn’t very impressive, either.  My very first counseling job was, of course, as an intern.  I was supposed to sit in with my supervisor as he counseled a reluctant teen boy.  And I was hugely pregnant with my first child.

Before going into the counseling room, I was passing through the office when a bowl of butterscotch candies called out to me, “Heather, you want one of us!  We look good, don’t we?  Go ahead, take one!  The baby wants butterscotch!”  A little voice in my head said, “Don’t do it.”  But did I listen?  No!  I grabbed a piece and popped it in my mouth.  After all, I was just going to be listening.  I wouldn’t even have to say a word.  Surely, I could just sit there quietly and suck on my candy.

Giggle Translate #9: Tattoos and Nicky

Oh, I'm cracking myself up with these Giggle Translate posts!  Here are some more.  And sometimes they're just so wrong.  (Original paragraphs are taken from my "Random Facts about Me" post.)  


Original paragraph:
I always wanted a tattoo and a nose ring.  My husband vetoed the tattoo way back when we were dating (it would have just been a little butterfly on my lower back), but I almost got the nose ring one day.  It was sometime after I had two or three kids, and I had finally talked myself into doing it.  And so we walked down to the tattoo/piercing parlor one fine Monday morning, $40 in my pocket.  But when we got there, the door said, “Closed on Mondays.”  As soon as I saw the sign, I didn’t want the nose ring anymore.  It was like, Well, I was ready to get one and I would have gotten one if it was open, but simply having been ready to get one if it was open was enough to satisfy my desire for a nose ring.  And while I still love seeing them on other women, I haven’t really wanted one since.

Giggle Translate #8: Lockdown and The Wiggles

I wrote this the other day as I thought about the effect staying home too long can have on your family.  And then I ran it through a bunch of languages with Google Translate to see what happened.  Here it is:

Original post:
You know this “lockdown new normal” is starting to get to everyone when these things start happening:

Giggle Translate #7: How Would You Spend Your Last Day?

I ran my post "How Would You Spend Your Last Day?" (click it if you want to read the original version) through Google Translate many times, and this is what came up [any comments I want to make about the translated version will be in brackets and in blue]:


According to Christian geologist today (released on September 23, 2017) is the beginning of the end of the world.  When I went to bed yesterday: "What if the world really falls tomorrow?"  I was wondering how we broke up the day before.''

One night while I was sleeping, my wife and kids watched the show together in another room and saw Gilmon's daughters for the 82nd time.  I found that my partner (homemade chicken pizza) and my wife - me, mom and dad - who were helpful, had the usual way of eating some chocolate.  [Wow, so I have a partner and a wife!  And my partner is homemade chicken pizza!?!  And is it that "me, mom and dad" are what constitutes "my wife"?  Interesting.  Confusing.  You're so "progressive," Google Translate!]

Giggle Translate #6: Hot Diaper, Monkey Dust, Invisible Bikes, and Toilet Splash

Some more "Random Facts About Me," run through many different languages with Google Translate, just to see what happens:

1.  Original Paragraph:
I had an embarrassing moment the other day.  I was checking out at Trader Joes and chatting politely with the teen boy who was ringing up my groceries.  And I decided to quickly pop a Tic-Tac in my mouth.  But as I opened my mouth to say something (and, of course, he’s looking directly at me), the Tic-Tac comes flying out of my mouth and lands on the floor.

Giggle Translate #5: Knuckle Enchiladas

Here is something that happened a couple nights ago.  I'm making it my "Giggle Translate #5."  I'm going to share the original paragraph, and one that got run through several random languages with Google Translate, and then I'm going to show what happens when you run the same paragraph through a string of languages one way and then when you do those same languages in reverse:


Original paragraph:
"Has this ever happened to anyone else?  I was hand-grating a block of mozzarella today for tonight's chicken enchilada dinner.  And in my zealousness to grate quickly and because of my bad angle, I cheese-grated some skin right off my knuckle.  Thankfully, the strip of skin was still hanging on my knuckle because I doubt we'd have noticed the blood mixed in the salsa or the skin flap mixed in the shredded chicken.  (But honestly, I don't know if I would have told my family about it if I couldn't find the skin.  I know that's bad, but I can't throw out a whole pan of dinner just for a tiny piece of knuckle.  You understand.  Right?)

Giggle Translate #4: My Garden (My Favorite)

This has got to be my favorite Giggle Translates for one reason only.  You'll see why later.  I was actually nervous copying and pasting it, because I was so afraid I would accidentally delete it or alter it.  But, phew, it's all good.  Anyway, I am not going to repost the original post but you can read it if you click on it.  It's called "My Garden."


Here is the post when it's been translated through a bunch of languages with Google Translate (honestly, it's really kinda poetic, almost better than the original):

We are still in the freezer this season.  Now is the time to think and design your garden.  And then there are a lot of articles about me.  I try to do it for myself, but not for myself.  And during the lessons, my soul embraces me and teaches me to live with God.

            Gardening for me is an accent, a time of choice, a time to learn to lose weight and wait for prices.  It is also a reminder that life does not go according to plan.  Things that bother me (small insects that eat asparagus every summer) find me every day and what makes me uncomfortable (Japanese bell that shattered the Virgin Mary) and thrown in a towel (everything from deer hands, rabbits and squirrels)) .

Giggle Translate #3: More Random Facts About Me (dating women, guns, screaming cats, and sheep)

Here are the newest "random facts about me" that I ran through a bunch of different languages in a row with Google Translate and then back to English, just for the giggles.  It comes out like a really bad Mad Libs.  (Sometimes I do several translations and pick the best parts to make each paragraph, particularly if a sentence was boring or basically the same as the original.)

Original paragraph:

            I used to get the dirtiest looks from people when I would push my twin brothers around in a stroller.  I was 15 years old when they were born, so people would assume they were mine.  And I tell you, the judgmental looks some women gave me were enough to make me feel ashamed.  And the babies weren’t even mine!  I should have made a t-shirt saying, “I’m just the sister, so keep the judgments to yourself!”
            (With five younger brothers, people always stared at us and made comments when my family would go out.  I am sure my mom loved it, but I hated it.  I always felt like a circus freak show whenever we went anywhere together.  It was so embarrassing to me.)

Giggle Translate #2: Chasing Slugs

I took my post "Chasing Slugs" and ran it through several randomly-chosen languages with Google Translate and then put it back into English.  Just for fun!  Here is how it turned out.  Enjoy!  (I know it's long, but you don't have to read it.  I'm doing this for my own amusement.  And fyi, there's a bad word coming up in the translated version.  And yeah, I can see how it's kinda my fault.  But I bleeped some letters out.)

Giggle Translate #1: Random Facts About Me (skydiving, flashlights, and "I'm a WHAT!?!")

I'm bored.  So I've been running some paragraphs I've written through a bunch of randomly-chosen languages in a row with Google Translate and then back into English, just for giggles.  (I'm not serious, uptight, and a deep-thinker all the time.)  It's like a funny, terrible game of "Telephone."  (FYI: Bad word ahead.  Not my fault.  Blame Google Translate.  But I did bleep out a couple letters.)  

Here are a few of the first ones I've done so far (the original writing was taken from my post "Random Facts About Me, Just For Fun"):