Oh my goodness, does anybody else feel this song, too?
"What are y'all doing down there? I don't know, Lord."
I don't know, Lord.
What a mess.
God help us.
God help me.
"Sometimes I look up to the sky and wonder, 'Do you see us down here, O Lord?'"
I totally love Nate (NF) for saying the real, raw, hard things that many of us think and feel but don't often admit out loud, the things we're afraid to say because they don't sound very "good Christiany," the kinds of things Job cried out honestly but that his religiously-high-and-mighty friends scolded and shamed him for.
How about these lines from his song "Paralyzed": "When did I become so numb? When did I lose myself?... When did I become so cold? When did I become ashamed? Where's the person that I know? They must have left, they must have left with all my faith. I'm paralyzed. Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should. I'm paralyzed. Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside. I'm paralyzed... I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die... I'm in a box but I'm the one who locked me in, suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen..."
My goodness, it doesn't get much more heartbreakingly-honest than that.
Except for this (from "Fear"): "Hello, Darkness, my old friend. Knocking at my door again, begging me to come outside, and let you back into my life. Now usually I'd be strong enough to lock the doors and keep 'em shut, but not today, I'm desperate. So go ahead and come on in... Disappointed? Yeah, me too. I thought I had finally made a breakthrough, guess not. It's the same song and dance, you've all seen it before: Darkness holds out his hand and we walk to the floor... What's the truth? What's a lie? Help me, God. Help me, Lord... Lost my hope, lost my will, lost my joy... lost my home, lost my faith, lost my voice."
Wow, so transparent. So raw. So real. So powerful. These are some of the most amazing songs I have ever heard. And "Fear" is one of the most amazing videos I have ever seen. It hits me so incredibly deep every time I watch it, my goodness. These songs alone would be enough to make me a forever-fan of his. God bless him. So raw, so honest, so unvarnished. My favorite kind of people, of Christian.
Of course, I wish no one ever experienced deep heart-crushing, soul-shaking pain, but I'm so thankful that he says it like it is, so proud of him for baring his soul so openly, so vulnerably, even the ugly things. No masks, no fake smiles, no overly-simplistic pat answers, no useless Christian platitudes. Those of us who've been there need this. We need to know we're not alone, need to hear someone else say the things we're struggling with, need to know that it's okay to be honest, to be broken, and need assurance that we can make it through pain so deep. And so I deeply value his kind of honesty, his kind of heart, his kind of faith. Songs like these are sometimes more helpful, more like a desperate-heart's-cry Psalm, than all the shiny, happy, positive-spin songs and sermons put together. Along with my other two favorite faith-filled, honest-about-the-struggles bands - Twenty One Pilots and The City Harmonic - he's been a blessing to me. Thank you, Nate. Thank you.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking about his lyrics: "Gasp! Good Christians can't say those kinds of things or ask those kinds of questions or admit those kinds of thoughts. Shameful. 'How long will you say such things? Your words are a blustering wind.'" (Job 8:2)
But, you know what, I'm not concerned about being a "good Christian" anymore. I want to be real. I need to be real.
And if you don't understand the kinds of things Nate sings about, if you haven't said or felt things like this, if you have the luxury of thinking "Christians can't be like that," then be thankful.
Thankful that you've been spared this kind of pain...
... for now.
But give it time. You might understand someday, finding yourself in those shoes. (So be compassionate and gracious - not critical or judgmental - with those who are in that place right now. Because someday it might be you.)
I'm not trying to discourage you, but to encourage you, to warn you, so that when it hits - when life knocks your legs out from under you and puts you through the wringer of pain - you'll know that you aren't alone. That it's okay. That this is what life is like in a fallen world full of fallen people.
Very few of us will escape life without coming face-to-face with a level of fear or doubt or despair we've never known before, questions we never needed to ask before, helplessness and hopelessness we've never felt before, or even thought possible. (Work on making your faith in Christ as solid as possible before this happens, digging in deep to figure out why you believe what you do. Don't wait until you're in a desperate place to discover the evidence that backs up the Bible and the claims of Jesus, that proves they are real and can be trusted. You'll need it during the hardest times you'll face someday. Read about my evidence here.)
This is part of the journey through life, through faith; something we'll all face someday, even Christians...
... if we're honest with ourselves and with God.
But that's the thing: Not everyone will be honest with themselves or with God. Painful-honest. Ugly-honest. NF-honest.
Many of us are dying inside, drowning in doubt, fear, pain, or sin, struggling with life and faith, but trying so hard to look and feel calm, cool, and collected, like we have it all together, saying all the "good Christian" things while keeping up a "good Christian" front. After all, isn't that what "good Christians" are supposed to do, to be? Nice and shiny and polished and pleasing and perfect.
Fake!
I can understand keeping other people out of our hearts. Lots of them can't be trusted with our hearts anyway. Just look at the way people talk about and treat others online or even in families, or the way that even Christians at church ask a polite "How's it going?" without really waiting for or wanting to know the answer, if they even look at us at all.
But God? Why do we keep Him out too, hiding our real selves from Him and telling Him only what we think He wants to hear, even though He knows us better than anyone, better than we even know ourselves? Why do we put on a front even for Him?
Over these past several years, I've been talking a lot with friends about my doubts, fears, struggles, heartaches, and questions about life, faith, prayer, and God.
But the other day, after one of these conversations, I could almost hear God saying something to my heart:
"You talk about Me to other people all the time, but why don't you talk about Me to Me as much? Why do you share your fears, doubts, questions, life struggles, faith struggles, so much more deeply, fully, and honestly with others (and with yourself) than with Me, especially when I'm the one who can help you with them the most?"
Hmm, good questions.
"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68)
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God... Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him... I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 42:11,62:5, 121:1-2)
"Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught... My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me... But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon, I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice... Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall... O God...I trust in You." (From Psalm 55)
And so while other people, especially Christians, might be impressed by our sparkly, polished, happy, phony front, God isn't. Because that's the very thing keeping Him out. The wall that blocks Him from our hearts. He doesn't want fake because He can't get close to fake. He can't love fake or be loved by fake. No one can.
As Tyler from Twenty One Pilots sings in Screen: "I do not know why I would go in front of You and hide my soul, 'cause You're the only one who knows it... I'm standing in front of You. I'm tryin' to be so cool, everything together, trying to be so cool."
But then he goes on to share what many of us feel inside, opening up his heart honestly and admitting: "there's some people and I who have a really tough time getting through this life, so excuse us while we sing to the sky... We're broken people..."
Broken people.
Thank you, Tyler, for saying the hidden part, the honest part, the hurting part, out loud.
Broken people.
How many of us are broken on the inside but won't admit it, even to ourselves? How many of us hide our brokenness out of fear or shame, failing to get help or support with it, because we won't admit it to anyone, even to God?
Maybe if we all honestly said the hidden things out loud more often - the things that are crushing us, the deep things we wrestle with, the dark things we whisper to ourselves over and over again, the things we hide because we're afraid of what others and God would think of us or because we don't want to admit it to ourselves or because we think we've got something to prove - then maybe life wouldn't be such a struggle. Maybe we wouldn't feel so alone, so helpless.
Maybe if we took off the "good Christian" mask and brought the hurting and broken parts of ourselves to God more often - honestly admitting to Him our doubts, struggles, fear, pain, confusion, weaknesses, temptations, needs, anger, bitterness, sins, etc., confessing it all to Him, asking for His help with it all instead of trying to handle it all ourselves, instead of turning to everything and everyone but Him for help, instead of smiling that fake smile as we pretend like everything's okay, like life isn't crushing us, like we aren't dying inside - then maybe we wouldn't feel so overwhelmed, so lost, so scared, so hopeless.
Many of us are afraid to admit our brokenness, desperation, inadequacy, fears, doubts, struggles, etc., afraid to say the things that sound so not-nice, so improper, so unpolished. But those are the very things that can drive us closer to God, deeper into faith. If we let them. If we use them as stepping-stones to God, instead of walls to block Him.
How true this line is from NF's "Oh Lord": "... everyone will sleep in the pews then blame God for our problems like He's sleeping on you. We turn our backs on Him, what do you expect Him to do? It's hard to answer prayers when nobody's praying to You."
We slap God's hand away - ignoring Him, disobeying Him, hiding from Him, forging ahead on our own, insisting on doing it all ourselves, proud that we don't need anyone's help - but then we blame Him when things go bad, demanding to know where He is, why He isn't helping, and how He could've let this happen to us. As if He is the problem and not us. As if He caused the mess that we created.
As Nate sings in "Fear": "Standing back watching my mansion burn to ash while I hold the gas can, asking God if He started this fire. Is this what You wanted? Is this what You wanted?... On the verge, on the edge... Petrified, scared to death... Hanging on by a thread... Empty heart, nothing left... Breaking down, spiraling... Is this what You wanted?"
Oh, the things we do to ourselves (or that life, other people, or demons do to us) that we blame God for, as if it's what He wanted and caused! Oh, the holes we dig for ourselves that we're genuinely shocked we fall into!
But what did we expect to happen when we push God away, hide our real souls from Him, put on a strong front, demand the control, and live life according to our own "wisdom" and desires instead of according to His; telling God, "That's okay, I'm good. Everything's good. I've got this and I don't need You, thankyouverymuch"?
Another line from "Oh, Lord": "... the same God that we're sayin' might not even exist becomes real to us but only when we're dying in bed. When ya healthy it's like we don't really care for Him, then 'leave me alone, God, I'll call You when I need You again.'"
"... when I need You again."
If we haven't yet learned what it means to need God daily - not just want Him, but really need Him - we will someday. And it'll probably be through pain.
Because it's through pain and struggle and brokenness (and often our self-created messes) that we learn how utterly weak and inadequate we are, how unreliable everything and everyone else is, how temporary and ultimately unfulfilling this life is, how out of order our priorities are, what really matters in life, and how desperately much we need God above all, how He's the only stable thing we can lean on, and how much we can trust Him even when we're confused and hurting.
It's only by admitting our brokenness, inadequacy, neediness, and dependency on God that we can find the healing, answers, forgiveness, help, and freedom we need. Running from our brokenness won't help. Hiding from it won't help. Denying it won't help. Polishing it up nice and shiny won't help. Acting like we're stronger and more capable than we are won't help.
It'll only make it worse.
So say it. Say it out loud: "I'm broken, God, and I need You. Help me. Fix me. Heal me. I'm sorry."
It's okay. He already knows it. He's just waiting for us to admit it honestly, to reach for Him desperately.
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:17-18)
"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord." (Acts 3:19)
"Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
How long will we remain prisoners to our doubts, fears, and sins, before we bring them honestly to the only One with the key to free us? How long will we struggle through life on our own before we realize that He's been standing there all along waiting for us to call on Him, to need Him, ready to help us, heal us, lift us up, and guide us through life on the best path possible? How long will we continue to be crushed under the weight of the heavy chains we drag around before we bring them to the only One strong enough to lift them off of us? How many more mistakes do we have to make before we just apologize and get right with Him again and start doing things His way?
Oh Lord, indeed! Oh Lord, forgive us. Help us. We need You.
I need You.
Do you remember Job from the Bible, how his friends criticized him for being too honest, too blunt, too "improper" with God, shaming him for baring every fear, doubt, question, and grievance he had in his soul?
You know the best part about it all?
Sure, Job's friends sounded like they were saying all the proper, righteous, God-honoring, God-defending, "good Christian" things. But it was Job - who said many things that sounded improper to "good Christian" ears - to whom God spent chapter after chapter talking to (sure, lecturing, but still talking to), barely even acknowledging the friends, as if He couldn't stand to even look in their direction.
The friends talked religious-sounding head-things about God... but Job talked ugly-honest heart-things to God, and God talked back.
"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:8)
"The sacrifices of God are a broken and contrite spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:17)
[Long Sidenote: But, you might wonder, where is the line between honesty with God about our pain... and complaining, wallowing, ruminating on our pain, talking ourselves deeper into our discontent? When is ongoing honesty about our doubts, pain, fears, and struggles actually hurting us, keeping us in our pain instead of helping us hand it over to God and release it? At what point should we just "get over it"?
When do we hang in there and keep fighting for more or different or better, and when is it time to give up and rest from the fight? (Or, just for fun, as Kenny Rogers says it in The Gambler: "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done. Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin' is knowing what to throw away, knowing what to keep, 'cause every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser...")
And so what do we hold onto and what do we let go of? How long do we hold onto something, especially when holding on is hurting us? When is it okay to not be okay, and when is it not okay to not be okay? At what point - if we can't get out of the pain, the trial, the struggle - do we surrender ourselves to God in it, accepting it, growing from it, learning to find joy and silver linings and "contentment with godliness" in it, instead of trying to dig ourselves out of it or constantly asking God to take it away? How do we do this and be at peace with it? And how do we do this without letting our pain, our struggle, our victimhood, become our identity? (And then what's the difference between surrendering to God in trust during the painful trial... and giving up in hopelessness? How can we keep the one from becoming the other?)
I don't know yet. I've been trying to figure this all out.
All I know for sure is that we can trust Him, that He cares, and that our job is to be honest with Him, to pray with thanksgiving, to abide in Him, to walk in faith and daily obedience, to love Him and love others, and to let Him love us. His job is to answer in His time and in His way, to guide us through life, to handle what we can't, to help pick us up when we fall, to hold us when we hurt, and to help us figure out how to handle it when life gets hard and we don't get the answers we want. (When we don't get the answers we want, we might just get something better: Him.)
Other than that, I don't know much. Many of the (minor) things that seemed so obvious and clear-cut to me when I was a young, confident, enthusiastic Christian who thought we needed to know all the answers and who expected to be able to figure them out are getting more confusing to me the older I get. Less black-and-white with every new trial I face.
But I think that's part of the journey, part of spiritual maturity: knowing that we don't know it all and can't figure it all out - but trusting that God does and can - and learning to be okay with that, learning to be okay with trusting Him, with letting go of what's not ours to hold onto.
Again, just for fun, let's go back to The Gambler song, and in particular the Psychology Today article The Meaning of "The Gambler" by Nassir Ghaemi, which shares some thoughtful, relevant insights into and from this song. Of course, I don't necessarily agree with everything in the song or article, but I did enjoy these points:
"Sometimes storming the barricades is courage; sometimes it's reckless... That's what makes life tough... We can't tell our children or ourselves to always act this way or that. Sometimes you have to adjust. There may be a few rules worth doing all the time, but those tend to be the easy decisions: Don't kill. Don't steal. Most of life's decisions fall outside those rules. They become a matter of probability - of gambling."
I think this is how a life of faith can be, too. How God works with us a lot. Yes, there are many things that are black-and-white in the Bible which we need to follow strictly. But then there are some decisions God guides us in as we go, helping us know which biblical principles to apply to our lives/decisions, and when and how. These things might not be spelled out in black-and-white in the Bible, or they might seem to have multiple possibilities based on different Bible verses/principles. And so to know how to best navigate these decisions, we need to be abiding in God and His Word, walking closely with Him in daily faith and obedience and prayer and receptiveness, in order to hear His guidance about which Bible principles He wants us to apply and how to apply them, and about the adjustments He wants us to make along the way as we walk in faith, the steps He wants us to take that aren't clearly spelled out in the Bible.
But too often, and to our detriment, we'd rather have clear directions and steps and end destinations spelled out for us ahead of time. Then we can just follow those steps on our own to the end. That be a lot easier than abiding daily in God and His Word and learning to walk in daily, receptive, submissive faith, wouldn't it?
But maybe that's why God doesn't spell out everything for us or give us all the answers to all our questions upfront or give us a complete list of rules or directions to follow to make it through life and get what we want. Because if He did, we'd probably be satisfied with those lists, happy with getting information from God instead of getting God Himself. We'd worry less about walking closely with Him, abiding in Him, getting to know Him... and more about just following the directions.
But it's in the darkness, the "not knowing," where we learn to need and trust and rely on and closely follow God the most. And so maybe that's why some things are left dark and unclear and need to be taken step-by-step - so that we seek Him and His overall truth and get to know Him really well so that we can figure out how to best follow Him and apply His truth and principles to our lives, instead of just following a prewritten list of directions and rules about every facet of life and every decision we have to make. Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Matthew 6:33-34: "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself...” Psalm 119:105: “Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light for my path."
Nassir also said, "You gotta know when to hold 'em: Don't just do something, stand there. Sometimes the right thing to do is nothing. Wait, until the right decision becomes clear to you. Engage in creative procrastination. The problem might even go away before you need to fix it... Know when to fold 'em: Sometimes retreat is the right decision. Don't fight every battle."
If we apply biblical truth to this, the lesson is that there are times when God wants us to do nothing but wait on Him, until the right answer becomes clear or the problem takes care of itself or He takes care of it. Our "rushing in and trying to fix it ourselves" might be premature, foolish, and interfere with what He's doing. Plus, not all battles are ours to fight. Some battles are for the Lord to fight (or maybe even other people). And the best thing we can do is to retreat into Him as our fortress and shield during those battles. Exodus 14:13-14: "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The [enemy] you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Psalm 27:14: “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 9:9-10: "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who hope in Your name will trust in You, for You, O Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You." Psalm 5:11-12: “But let all who take refuge in You be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread Your protection over them, that those who love Your name may rejoice in You. For surely, O Lord, You bless the righteous; You surround them with Your favor as with a shield.” Deuteronomy 20:4: “For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” 1 Peter 5:7: "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
"Know when to walk away... know when to run: Notice that this key chorus is all about how to handle defeat or failure. That's what matters, because life never is all about success. Success usually grows out of failure, if it happens at all. Failure determines who we will become."
When it comes to faith and our spiritual development, I think it's the hard times that challenge us and grow us the most. It's the stumbles and falls and failures and shortcomings that reveal who we really are inside, what we're doing wrong, what we need to change, and how we need to shift our focus and priorities. We will all fall and fail, which God knew we would do when He made us. And so it's not the falls and failure that are the most critical issues here, but it's what we do after the falls and failures, in response to them. Do we get back up, rush out in our own "wisdom" and power and desire and plans, and make the same kinds of mistakes all over again? Or do we learn from our falls and failures, grow from them, apologize and ask forgiveness for them, be humbled by them, and turn to God's wisdom and ways and truth instead of our own, adjusting our priorities, values, and truth to match His? Our failures determine who we become: More self-centered or more God-centered. More self-following or more God-following. Spiritually-stupider or spiritually-wiser/more mature. More entrenched in ourselves and in sin and in the bad consequences we create, or more entrenched in God. John 8:3-11: “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now, what do you say?’ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing Him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with His finger. When they kept on questioning Him, He straightened up and said to them, ‘If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.’ Again, He stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ ‘No one, sir,’ she said. ‘Then neither do I condemn you,’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.’” Luke 15:17-24: “When [the prodigal son who was living in sin] came to his senses, he said, ‘… I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’ So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.”
"You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table: Don't pause to measure your riches, to see how much you have. Don't count your rewards and seek more. Don't be greedy... There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done."
You know what they say: It's not over until it's over. Life has its ebbs and flows - things comes and things go - and so don't make final evaluations or judgment calls based on what you have or don't have today. Give it time. Give God time. Plus, even if you have a lot now, it doesn't mean you've got God's favor or blessing. (And having a little doesn't mean you don't.) It's not what we have or don't have that matters; it's how we view it and use it and if it has eternal value. I think we humans can sometimes view success and failure wrong. Sometimes what we see as success (lots of money, fancy car, showy home, flashy career, exciting opportunities, popularity), God sees as spiritual failure. And sometimes what we see as failure, God sees as spiritual success, according to His standards. And it won't be until eternity that we see the rewards and results of the priorities, efforts, and accomplishments we had on earth. And so we shouldn't necessarily evaluate how God feels about us by looking at the things we have on earth (some of the richest Christians on earth might be the most spiritually-bankrupt and the poorest in heaven). So don't compare yourself to other "better" or "better off" Christians. Don't think you need more (make the most with what God's already given you). Don't feel bad about your humble position. Just keep living a life of obedient faith, abiding in Him, being thankful for what you have, doing whatever He calls you to do for His glory (even the simple unflashy jobs), and trust that He sees your faithful heart and the things you do for Him and that He will reward you in eternity. Colossians 3:23-24: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Jesus you are serving.” 1 Cor. 10:31: “So whether you eat or drink of whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” Matthew 6:19-21: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 25:21: “…‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’”
"Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin' is knowing what to throw away, knowing what to keep 'cause every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser: [Life] didn't give you a bad hand; it's good in some ways and can be improved in others. You need to know what to change, and what to keep the same. You don’t need a better wife for a better life, or better kids or a better car, or a bigger house, or a nicer climate. You have everything you need now to be happy and everything to be miserable [and it's your choice]. Your start may have been lucky or unlucky, but you can either improve your lot or worsen it."
Life is full of good and bad, and there is good and bad in everything. And so how you look at it, what you focus on, and what you choose to do with it - what you choose to let go of and what you choose to hold onto - will make all the difference in your attitude. We can't control the hand we're dealt, but we do get to choose how we play our cards. Whatever hand life has dealt us, God can help us make the most of it, helping us adjust our perspective, priorities, and attitude so that we can have peace and joy and contentment and spiritual success even in the midst of the bad. But we have to be conscientious about it, deliberate about it. It won't just happen. In fact, we're more likely to fall into negative thinking and despair in the hard times if we let our feelings rule us. And so we cannot let our feelings or mere human perspectives rule us. We need to take our thoughts captive to line them up with God's truth and perspective on things. And the more we do this - even if it means preaching God's Word to ourselves or speaking Scripture over our spiritual struggles - the more our feelings will get in line with our God-centered thoughts. It's a psychological fact: feelings follow thoughts. So take charge of, control of, where your mind goes and what you let into it - focus on the good, replace lies and errors with God's truth, view things through the spiritual/eternal lens instead of the earthly/temporary lens, and bring everything into line with His Word, and eventually your feelings will fall in line, too. Colossians 3:2: "Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." Phil. 4:8: “… whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.” 2 Cor. 10:3-5: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
These are some thoughts on getting through this life, the hard times, with our faith still intact, growing from the pain instead of crumbling under it. We're all gonna go through pain no matter what, but we get a choice in how we go through it, what it does to our faith, and how we come out on the other side.
(And don't forget that humans have badly messed up theology and misused or misinterpreted the Bible over the centuries, passing down very wrong views of God to us, deeply damaging our faith and understanding of God and Scripture. And it can be a real struggle to have to sort out what the Bible really does say from what humans have said it says. But this is part of the journey too, spiritual maturity: learning to take responsibility for our faith, our beliefs. It's incredibly important to study and know God's Word for yourself, in context. His character. His truth. Don't outsource your spiritual education. Don't hand your sense-making over to someone else. Don't trust other humans to teach correctly. Be a good faithful Berean and do the legwork for yourself. Your faith and trust in God depend on it, especially when the hard times hit.)
Anyways, sorry for the long detour. Now back to what we were talking about.]
And even more revealing is that when God did finally acknowledge Job's friends, all He could say is that they didn't speak right about Him. Sure, lots of the things they said sounded good and humble and spiritual and God-glorifying, but they didn't know what they were talking about in Job's situation. They spoke ignorantly, self-righteously, judgmentally. And so God, displeased with their high-and-mighty religious-babble-nonsense, asked Job to pray for them so that He could forgive them.
Raw ugly honesty - talking honestly to God instead of just talking "religiously-proper" about Him - is what got God's attention. And even though He didn't give Job the answers he wanted but instead asked even more questions in return - unanswerable questions - that's not the point.
The point is... God talked to Job. God drew near to Job because Job drew near to God, revealing more of His power and majesty, making His presence so overwhelmingly-real that Job knew he could trust God even in the lingering pain and unanswered questions, even when he didn't understand.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble... Be still and know that I am God...” (Psalm 46:1,10)
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isa. 40:31)
“... ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in [your] weakness.’...” (2 Cor. 12:9)
I just found an amazing example of honest, vulnerable, humble prayer while clinging to God in the heartache and painful struggle, in the unanswered prayers and questions:
I have no idea who this is - if it's a Christian channel or not, or if it's even a real person or AI or whatever - but this song came to my attention about a half-hour after it was released (when there were only 4 views, but I hope he gets many many more). It's mostly geared toward men struggling through heartbreak, maybe divorce... but, my goodness, does it speak the heart's-cry of all of us struggling through a long, painful, crushing heartbreak! And it brings us back to what really matters, to how we should handle it when life isn't working out the way we wanted, when God isn't answering our prayers the way we expected, when the pain is still lingering. It's really very good, phenomenal even.
Teach me how to carry it (by CaliLyfe RP)
Some great lines from this song (but it's all great, really): "God, I'm not asking You to erase the pain anymore. I'm just asking You to help me carry it... teach me how to survive this... I've been carrying pain without letting it out. Smiling in public while drowning in doubt. And honestly, God, I'm exhausted...from pretending this loss ain't crushing... I'm trying my best not to break at the seams. But some nights this weight feels bigger than me. So God, teach me how to carry this pain without turning cold or going insane. Teach me how to stand when I'm weak inside, how to heal while my heart still cries. And, God, help me be strong for real. Not the fake kind where you hide what you feel, but the kind where a man keeps moving ahead, even with a broken heart in his chest. I used to think strength meant never falling apart. Now I think strength is surviving with scars, still waking up when life gets hard... God, I know I can't stay in this darkness forever... So even though this pain still sits in my chest, don't let it define me. Help me grow from it. Help me become wiser from it. Help me become stronger from it. Not angry, not bitter. Stronger! I'm learning that healing ain't loud. Sometimes it's just getting out of bed when you're down. Something it's surviving the nights you almost drown. Sometimes it's smiling even when nobody's around. And maybe one day this ache won't sting the same... Maybe one day I'll thank God for every rainy day because it led me to the man I became. But until then, I'm just taking it day by day, trying not to lose myself while I find my way. So God, teach me how to carry this weight, how to keep faith when my soul feels drained... And God, if You're listening tonight, thank You for giving me the strength to fight. 'Cuz even with this hurt, I still remain a man trying to heal through pain. Maybe being a man isn't hiding the pain. Maybe it's carrying it and still choosing to move forward anyway."
Incredible! And I've been there, too. My goodness, I've been there. Thank you, CaliLyfe, for pouring out your heart, your pain, so honestly. So vulnerably. So faith-filledly. This is a song many of us can relate to, whatever our struggle or heartbreak - and it's a song totally worth praying, a great example of what prayer should be when God isn't changing our circumstances or getting us out of the pain.
We might not necessarily be able to get God to take away a certain heartache or struggle or trial with our prayers. But we can always pray that God helps us find comfort, contentment, blessings, and, yes, even joy in the pain anyway, and that He gives us strength to bear it, that He protects us from satanic attacks during it (and don't forget that as a Christian, you have the authority to command demons to leave in Jesus's name and to speak Scripture against them, as well as speaking Scripture over other trials, temptations, and struggles), and that He helps us learn valuable lessons and matures our faith through it. And other things like that. These are prayers that God will always answer - prayers that He will help us get through the pain, grow from the pain, and find Him more in the pain, even if He won't take away the pain (yet).
I think too often we tell God what we want Him to do for us or give to us, and we call it "prayer." And then when it doesn't happen - something He never necessarily promised us in His Word or told us is His Will - we think that prayer doesn't work, that He isn't listening or can't be trusted, and then we get discouraged, fall into despair, and turn our back on Him, choosing to go our own way instead of following Him because He "let us down."
But CaliLyfe understands what prayer is about, and he's demonstrating the way to pray when other prayers don't "work." You see, God never promised to do things like give us the particular thing we want (job, possession, experience, relationship, etc.) or to force someone to treat us better or to change our difficult circumstances or to take away our pain, etc. (In fact, we're warned that, as Christians, we'll face pain and persecution in this world, that the world will hate us, that Satan will seek to destroy us. And so if everything's always hunky-dory, you might be doing it wrong. There might be reasons why Satan never seeks to attack you or mess you up.)
But God does promise us, in His Word, many things to help us on our journey: wisdom, comfort, strength, hope, boldness, guidance, discernment, peace, grace, mercy, forgiveness, etc. These are the kinds of things He promises to give us when we pray for them and submit to Him, and particularly when we pray with thanksgiving.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)
Yet how often we pray instead just for the specific things we want, telling God what we expect from Him, what we want Him to do for us, and where we want Him to take us in life (not at all concerned with what He expects from us, what He wants us to do for Him, or where He wants to take us in life)... and then we wonder why prayer "isn't working," why God said "no" to something we were so sure He wanted for us just because we wanted it so badly for ourselves.
[Long Sidenote: You know, I've come to believe that maybe sometimes what feels like a "no" from God isn't really a "no" at all. (Thank you, Ashley, for helping with this insight.) Let me explain. I think we Christians tend to think that if our prayers don't work, it's because God said "no" for a reason, as if He must not want us to have what we're asking for or as if He must want the bad thing to happen or want us in the trial or pain or loss or whatever, as if He's allowing or causing it for a particular pre-decided reason.
But maybe it's not that "He's saying 'no' because He doesn't want to change it/wants the bad to happen," Maybe it's just that we're praying "wrong" (for lack of a better word), that we're asking Him to do things that are purely from our desires (not His), or things that are not His Will for us (we misdefine His Will and then pray for "His Will" and then get upset when it doesn't happen, or maybe we define everything that happens as "His Will" and so we convince ourselves that whatever happened is what He wanted and caused, when it really might not be His Will at all), or things that are not His job to do (maybe it's our responsibility or someone else's), or maybe it's just not how He works in the free-will world He created (and if He did do what we're asking, it would violate/contradict the free-will He gave us).
You see, in the beginning, He chose to create people with free-will, the right to make our own decisions, even bad ones, and so there's a certain degree to which He puts the responsibility for things on us and that He allows our self-made decisions to stand, to affect things. This means there's certain things He won't force, even good things He wants, and things He won't stop, even bad things He doesn't want. (If He stepped in to block every bad choice or take away every painful consequence of every bad decision someone makes, would it really be free-will then, if our decisions were always blocked or interfered with and had no real consequences?)
And so sometimes when our prayers don't work, it isn't that God is saying "No, I won't do that because I don't want it for you or because I want the bad thing to happen," but maybe it's "You're asking for things I don't do in a free-will world"... or "I want to say yes, but you (and/or other people) have to cooperate by doing your part too"... or "I gave you the wisdom to figure it out, and so now it's in your hands"... or "I've already equipped other people to be able to handle that (such as doctors to treat medical needs)"... or "I've already answered you, but you aren't accepting it"... or "I've already answered, but you have to notice/seek/find/wait for it"... or "I've already answered that question clearly in My Word, and so you must find it there and obey it before I tell you any more or do anything else for you"... or... "I'm willing to do what you ask, but first we need to address a particular issue/sin/error in your life/heart/mind; there's something you need to learn or change first"... or "I want to say yes, but you're approaching this from the wrong angle/mindset/theological views"... or "I'm working on the answer but you just don't know it yet because it's taking time (or because there are other factors at work behind the scenes you don't know about), and so just hang in there and keep doing what you're supposed to do every day until the answer gets to you."
{An example of the last one - other factors that interfere with the answers to our prayers - is when God sent an angel with Daniel's answer to prayer (an explanation he needed; Daniel 10), but the messenger angel was intercepted by an evil angel and caught up in a three-week-long spiritual battle. God had given the answer right away, the help, but an angel had to deliver it. But before he could do that, opposing angels fought him to delay/block the answer God gave. Of course, this is before the Holy Spirit came to live in every believer, so I'm sure things are a little different now (since He lives in each believer, He can give us wisdom, discernment, and insight directly), but my point is: There are other factors at work in the world, seen and unseen. People (ourselves and others), Satan, spiritual beings (angels and demons), and even natural events are allowed to move freely on their own to a degree and to affect things, even affecting the situations we are praying about and the answers to our prayers. And yet how often we think that's it all on us personally or all on God! How often to do we think "Well, He didn't answer my prayer so either I didn't pray right or do right, or maybe He just didn't want to give me what I prayed for because He didn't want me to have it or He wanted me to stay in the situation I am in." Such flat, two-dimensional thinking. There might be so much more going on than that.}
Maybe we'd see a lot more answers to prayer if we stopped asking just for what we think should happen, for what we want or expect God to do for us, for the things God won't force in a free-will world, for things that are our responsibility, and for things God never promised us or revealed as His Will in His Word - and instead we started asking for the things He does promise us and that He has revealed as His Will in His Word, and the things that line up with His desires, His glory, and the responsibilities He gave us humans, getting our prayers in line with Him and His ways instead of trying to get Him in line with our prayers.
1 John 5:14-15: “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him.”
"According to His Will."
Maybe, all along, we misunderstand what His Will is, and so we focus on/ask for/expect/pursue the wrong things. Maybe we think that finding His Will is about finding the overall plan for our lives, the big future things coming up, the next particular step on our journey, the next decision we need to make, the next blessing we want Him to give us, the next sign from Him, the next heavenly neon-light we need to light our path.
But maybe His Will is not that mysterious or specific, not some future thing we need to discover or big overall answer or goal. Maybe it's right there in His Word in black-and-white, the things He outright tells us are His Will for mankind, the things He wants from us and for us, the ways He wants us to live daily, the things He expects all Christians to do, the general goals He wants us to pursue, the help He promises us, the things that are available to us if we ask for them... such as things like wisdom, discernment, grace, help to obey Him even when it costs us, courage in the face of persecution, help to walk in faith, confessing sin, loving and forgiving others, letting go of anger and bitterness, seeking comfort in and from Him, taking care of the needy, being kind, boldly sharing truth in love and gentleness, being thankful and content in any circumstance, etc.
And so, for examples, maybe it would be better to not pray that God gives us the particular job we want, but instead pray that He gives us wisdom to know what our skills are, how we can glorify Him most, and which places we should apply to (and then do it!). Maybe we shouldn't pray that God fixes our bad health while we keep eating junk, but instead pray that He gives us the wisdom to make healthy choices and the strength to change bad habits (and then do it!). Maybe we shouldn't pray and ask God if He wants us to forgive so-and-so, but instead we should ask for courage to just do it because we already know that this is His Will for us. Maybe we shouldn't ask God for confirmation if we should pursue an extramarital relationship or a premarital sexual relationship or a baseless divorce or a crooked business opportunity or an immoral experience, because we already know that these things are not His Will for us, according to His Word. Maybe we shouldn't pray that God changes someone else or forces them to do something we want them to do, but instead we should pray that God changes us (the only one who might be receptive to Him, willing to change, and willing to do the work of fixing/restoring our relationships), that He gives us the strength to endure them with patience, the wisdom to know how to respond to them, the grace to see them the way He does, and the courage we need to forgive them, love them, and pray for them.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Maybe if we started lining our prayers up with the things God has already revealed in His Word as His Will and His promises and with the way God operates in a free-will world - instead of just praying for the particular things we want and then expecting God to do it all - then maybe we'd see Him work more in our lives, and we'd get more "yes" answers to our prayers.
And so the question is: Are we searching His Word for the things He's already revealed to us are His Will, the things He asks us to do, the ways He asks us to walk, the promises and help He's made available to us on our journey through life and faith (and are we obeying what He tells us, doing our parts)... or are we focusing only on what we think His Will should be, what we want it to be, and expecting Him to do it all?
Summing this sidenote up now: I think that there are more possible responses to our prayers than just the "yes, no, or wait" we've all been taught. And there are lots of different possible explanations that might be behind what feels like an unanswered prayer or a "no" from God. And there are other ways to pray to get a response from God than just focusing on the particular thing we want/demand. And so maybe don't settle for a "no" until you've asked Him if there's something He wants you to do, change, or fix first, or if there's a way you can tweak your prayers to make them more in line with His Will and the way He works in a free-will world. Just some ideas to contemplate.]
Of course, we can and should be honest with our desires and wants and needs, asking God to fix our situation and take away our pain if that's what we need to say to pour out our hearts to Him. We should bring everything to Him. We never know which prayers He might choose to answer with a yes or to work a miracle in. (Plus, some things are spiritual issues and need to be dealt with by prayer and spiritual warfare, not human methods.)
[And of course, there are plenty of prayers He will say "no" or "that's not the way I do things" to, for whatever reason. But I'd rather know that at least I asked for His help, His answer - including Him in my situation, concern, trial, or pain - and that He simply chose to say "no"... than to find out that the reason I didn't get the help or answer I needed/wanted was simply because I never asked for it. How sad. Let's learn from Joshua's mistake, how he got himself and the nation into trouble when he failed to inquire of the Lord for help, guidance, and discernment in Joshua 7 and 9.]
But if, after pouring out our heart's requests, the answer we want doesn't seem to be coming, if the pain keeps going, if God isn't stepping in to change our circumstances, then we have a choice to make:
Give up on God and prayer, believing that it doesn't work or that He must want us in the pain ... or trust Him anyway and search His Word for the help He does promise us and then pray for those things instead, such as asking Him to help us bear the pain (because He promises to give us strength and comfort in the hard times), asking Him to give us wisdom on how to get through it or about what He wants us to do next (because He promises that anyone who asks for wisdom will get it), asking His help to forgive anyone who may have hurt us (because it's always His Will that we forgive others), confessing our own sins (sometimes sin blocks Him from answering us), and thanking Him for His help and care and hidden blessings and silver linings and any lessons learned through the pain (because He's told us clearly in His Word that we are to present our requests with thanksgiving and to be thankful and joyful even in the pain - not necessarily because of or for the pain, but in the pain).
"God, I'm not asking You to erase the pain anymore. I'm just asking You to help me carry it... teach me how to survive this... how to carry this pain without turning cold or going insane... how to stand when I'm weak inside, how to heal while my heart still cries... Help me become wiser from it. Help me become stronger from it... teach me how to carry this weight, how to keep faith when my soul feels drained... And God, if You're listening tonight, thank You for giving me the strength to fight."
Thank you, CaliLyfe, for showing what prayer really is. What faith really is. For demonstrating that when we're broken, hurting, exhausted, out of options, and can't handle it on our own anymore, then maybe the best thing to do is just be broken, hurting, exhausted, out of options, and not handle it on our own anymore. To run to God and throw ourselves into His arms. To pour out our heart and pain to Him in all honesty. To let Him hold us while we cry. To let Him carry us while we carry our burdens. To let Him have the future while we just take each day as it comes. To cling to Him in faith and trust that He will get us through. To ask Him to grow us through it, comfort us in it, and give us grace and strength to endure and the wisdom to know what we should do next. To keep following Him in obedience today, doing whatever we know He's asking us to do today, whatever tasks He puts in our path today, for His purposes and glory, even if it's just the same daily jobs we do every day. To stay connected with Him in prayer and abide in His Word and cling to His truth and promises in the Bible, even when we're hurt or confused. To be grateful for whatever blessings or help or comfort He's already given us in whatever areas He's given it. (If we're not grateful for what He's already given us, what makes us think He should give us more? Don't wait until a blessing is gone or taken away to be grateful for it, to thank Him for it, to appreciate it and enjoy it.) And to trust Him to eventually make something good out of the mess and the pain - if not now on earth, then at least in eternity where it matters most. (This life was never merely about this life anyway, but about the next one. The one that lasts, that really matters, that everything here is leading up to: Eternity, where we will see the results and rewards of the life of faith we lived on earth, even if we struggled and stumbled and hurt along the way.)
We don't get to choose whether or not we'll face pain and trials in life. We don't often get to choose when it ends or how we get out of it. But we do get some choice in how it affects us, how it changes us, and how we bear up under it.
We can shut down in the painful trials and turn away from God and dig our holes deeper and grow more lonely... or we can let Him pull us closer to Him and grow us through it, clinging to Him and His truth even if He won't remove the pain - especially if He won't remove the pain - allowing our faith to grow stronger, purer, deeper, more focused, more meaningful, more mature.
I just ran across this unexpectedly today after typing up this post, about brokenness, pain, and thanksgiving - and it fits beautifully. From Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts devotional, #51:
"This fallen world never stops dis-membering who we are. We're all breaking a bit more every day, even in small ways. And there, even as we ache, is the gentle whisper of God. With the quiet urging to give thanks anyways, to do this in re-memberance of Him. But why in the world give thanks? Why in the name of heaven?
Because when we remember how He blesses, loves us, when we recollect His goodnesses to us, we heal - we re-member.
In the remembering to give thanks, our broken place are re-membered - made whole.
When we re-member all His blessings, we re-member all our fractures, and in giving thanks in the assembly it's our very souls that re-assemble."
It's in the brokenness, the struggles, the pain - when everything is falling apart around us and inside us, when we lose all sense of self-confidence and self-sufficiency - that we can finally admit that we're broken people who desperately need God because we can't do it ourselves.
And when we come to that point of honest and humble brokenness, to the end of ourselves (our strength, wisdom, abilities, options, contingency plans, earthly joy and hope, etc.), that's where we find God, Jesus, and the ultimate and eternal help, healing, hope, strength, forgiveness, meaning - life! - that we're looking for, aching for, searching for in all the wrong places and all the wrong ways. And then we start living the life that really matters - a life of security and purpose, even in the midst of troubles; a life of watching Him make masterpieces from our messes, beauty from the ashes, grace in the pain, joy in the ache, peace in the turmoil, and strength in our weakness.
Thank You, God. Thank You!
There's a lot I don't know about on this journey of faith - and some things get more messy and confusing, less black-and-white, the older I get and more I learn (certain core truths get clearer and firmer and more solid, but many little or peripheral things get more confusing or grayer) - but at the end of it all, what I do know is this:
God is good, and He loves us all, and He wants the best for us all (even if what He knows is best doesn't match our idea of best). And He is always there to call on, to run to, to seek help and guidance and comfort from, and He will answer our prayers as best He can (the ones He can answer in a free-will world). And when He can't or won't answer our prayers with a "yes," He'll give us the comfort and grace and strength to bear the "no." And if we keep clinging to Him and His truth and keep living according to His Word, we'll have all the help we need to get through the difficult painful parts of life. And someday, He'll bring good out of the bad and make everything right again (if not now, then in eternity).
Pain doesn't have to have the last word. Pain doesn't have to be the end of what's good, as it sometimes feels like.
Pain can be just the beginning, helping us live the life that matters most... because it's through the painful struggles that our velveteen faith becomes real.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Cor. 4:8-9,16-18)
(Jesus speaking) "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed," (Luke 4:18)
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21)
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...” (Romans 8:28)
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isa. 40:31)
[And on a practical note, pain has taught me one more important lesson: We need to sing praise songs, even when we don't want to. Especially when we don't want to. When we least feel like singing (and smiling) is when we need to do it the most. Here's a simple one to memorize, a favorite of mine: "It's a Beautiful Day" by The Kiffness. I sing it all the time, especially when my heart is aching or afraid. So sweet, so humble, so good. Thank you, Kiffness.]
