I used to get the dirtiest looks from people when I would push my twin brothers around in a stroller. I was 15 years old when they were born, so people would assume they were mine. And I tell you, the judgmental looks some women gave me were enough to make me feel ashamed. And the babies weren’t even mine! I should have made a t-shirt saying, “I’m just the sister, so keep the judgments to yourself!”
(With five younger brothers, people always stared at us and made comments when my family would go out. I am sure my mom loved it, but I hated it. I always felt like a circus freak show whenever we went anywhere together. It was so embarrassing to me.)
(With five younger brothers, people always stared at us and made comments when my family would go out. I am sure my mom loved it, but I hated it. I always felt like a circus freak show whenever we went anywhere together. It was so embarrassing to me.)
After several translations:
Sometimes when I challenge the twin brothers to the box, I look so beautiful. I was 15 when they were born, so people consider me them. And tell me, sorry, I should have dated other women and was ashamed. And I'm not a kid! I had to make a T-shirt that said, "I'm fine, so be in the mood!"
[Huh!?! "My mom would like me to like me but despise me"? Now there's something for the philosophers and therapists among us to contemplate. And "I look so beautiful"? Well, thank you, Google Translate. It's vain but I'll take it as a compliment. And how nice of all those strangers to inform us of when we have no family. Does that mean the five infants have wandered off and we didn't notice? And apparently I now need to get busy dating other women so that I can stop being ashamed. I think.]
Original paragraph:
Did you know that I once got spit on by a clam? I was swimming in a lake as a child when I found a clam with my foot. I thought it would be cool to get a pearl out of it (hey, I was just a kid!) and so I tried to open it. I pulled on it with all my might and was only able to open it just a smidge. Since I couldn’t open it to find a pearl, I thought it would be funny to fill it up with water. So I quickly dunked it back under water, let it fill it up, and then let it close. But when I picked it up to look at it, it spit a stream of water right in my eyes. I am the only person I know who has been spit on by a clam.
After several translations:
Do you see the spatula? As a child, I was stuck in the ocean where I had a gun in my leg. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun for him (and see, he was a kid!) And I tried to remove him. I pulled her out and removed her if necessary. While I can't open it to get the oldest, I think it will be fun to fill the waters. So I slow down, fill and replace. But I looked around and a water cannon followed. I was the only one who knew that the patients had been shot.
[A gun in my leg!?! How'd that get there? I don't remember that! And apparently, I am the only one who knew the patients had been shot. And I didn't tell anyone about it!?! I'm terrible! And I wonder, could it be from the gun in my leg? Maybe that's why I didn't tell anyone. My "Google Translate Self" sounds like a terrible, terrible person.]
Original paragraph:
I think the most disgusting sound ever is when my sons slurp up their applesauce or the peach juice from their sliced peaches without a spoon, just using their mouth to suck it up right from the bowl. It sounds like they are slurping up a big pile of snot. And now that they know how much it grosses me out, they do it on purpose. I once saw a cat sneeze out a big blob of snot. And then it proceeded to eat it. I was horrified. And that’s what I think of when I hear them slurping up the snotty juice or applesauce. That which has been seen cannot be unseen!
After several translations:
I think the worst sound is the bowl when my kids just eat peach juice or juice without a spoon without a spoon, just when they pour out their mouths. It's like pulling stars. And now you know what I hear. At one point I saw a cat screaming. And he ate again. There is Corinth. And then I thought when I heard it was called juice or meat juice. Not visible!
[A screaming cat? That would be funny to see. Meat juice? Yuck. (Do you know that I can't eat eggs with runny yolks because all I can think of is "liquid chicken"? And do you know that I just translated that sentence about runny yolks and liquid chicken and got this: "You know I can't eat fruit with a lot of water because I'm just a cloud?" Cool!) And instead of "It's like pulling stars," other translations said, "It looks like a sack that encloses with a drawstring" and "It was as if they were a large, unskilled group" and "Most of the lice seemed to be removed" and "It was as if he had acquired a large pile of noses," which is interesting because none of these have anything to do with slurping up snot. At least the one was somewhat on track with "pile of noses." But I think I'll go with "It's like pulling stars." I like it. It's poetic.]
Original paragraph:
I once fell headlong into a garbage can ... in front of my whole class. It was about 3rd or 4th grade or so, and it was the first time I was given the honor of leading the classroom out to the buses. I was so excited and proud, and I walked with a bounce in my step and my head held high. And I also walked right off the top of the 3-step staircase that I failed to see or remember that we had to walk down. So instead of gracefully descending the staircase, I ended up tripping, losing my balance, and basically running down the staircase to keep from falling before I flipped heels over head straight into the big, black, plastic, garbage can against the opposite wall. And as the whole class filed past me, no one helped. They were too busy snickering and laughing at the naked pair of flailing legs connected to the naked thighs (which were exposed because of my flipped-up Catholic, school-girl skirt) connected to the girl inside the garbage can. You know what they say ... Pride comes before a fall! I just didn’t think it was meant to be so literal!
After several translations:
I think the worst sound is the bowl when my kids just eat peach juice or juice without a spoon without a spoon, just when they pour out their mouths. It's like pulling stars. And now you know what I hear. At one point I saw a cat screaming. And he ate again. There is Corinth. And then I thought when I heard it was called juice or meat juice. Not visible!
[A screaming cat? That would be funny to see. Meat juice? Yuck. (Do you know that I can't eat eggs with runny yolks because all I can think of is "liquid chicken"? And do you know that I just translated that sentence about runny yolks and liquid chicken and got this: "You know I can't eat fruit with a lot of water because I'm just a cloud?" Cool!) And instead of "It's like pulling stars," other translations said, "It looks like a sack that encloses with a drawstring" and "It was as if they were a large, unskilled group" and "Most of the lice seemed to be removed" and "It was as if he had acquired a large pile of noses," which is interesting because none of these have anything to do with slurping up snot. At least the one was somewhat on track with "pile of noses." But I think I'll go with "It's like pulling stars." I like it. It's poetic.]
Original paragraph:
I once fell headlong into a garbage can ... in front of my whole class. It was about 3rd or 4th grade or so, and it was the first time I was given the honor of leading the classroom out to the buses. I was so excited and proud, and I walked with a bounce in my step and my head held high. And I also walked right off the top of the 3-step staircase that I failed to see or remember that we had to walk down. So instead of gracefully descending the staircase, I ended up tripping, losing my balance, and basically running down the staircase to keep from falling before I flipped heels over head straight into the big, black, plastic, garbage can against the opposite wall. And as the whole class filed past me, no one helped. They were too busy snickering and laughing at the naked pair of flailing legs connected to the naked thighs (which were exposed because of my flipped-up Catholic, school-girl skirt) connected to the girl inside the garbage can. You know what they say ... Pride comes before a fall! I just didn’t think it was meant to be so literal!
After several translations:
[So am I actually in a chair in a big dusty sheep? Because I don't think I want to be there. And shaving couples!?! I don't think I want to know what that is. "Swivel legs tied around the bare hips"? What kind of freak show is that!?! And, wow, I must have been a brilliant 3 or 4 year old to be able to lead bus-driving lessons! I'm so proud of me!]
