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Thursday, June 29, 2017

A Note to Boob Measurers:

A note for the employees of fancy bra shops who measure our busts to see what size bra we need:

          I was at a bra shop awhile back, buying myself some of the first nice bras I owned in a long time.  The last time I did that was before I had four children, nursing them for a bunch of years combined.  And after all that swelling and deflating, swelling and deflating ... well, things weren't as perky as they used to be, including my thin cotton bras.
          Anyway, so I went into this shop and a salesperson asked me if I’d like to have my bust measured so that I knew which size bra to try on.  Since I was treating myself to a nice, expensive bra, I decided, Why Not?

          So she measured my bust and confidently stated what size I needed.  And I said, “No, I need a cup size bigger."
          “Well, the tape measure says the smaller one,” she said, clearly a little hurt that I would question her professional measuring skills.
          “Ok, grab me a smaller one,” I said, knowing full well it wouldn’t fit.
          So she brought it to me, and I tried it on.
          “How’s it fit?” she asked.
          “It’s way too tight!  Can you get me the next size up?” I replied.

          When I was done, I could tell that she was a little confused, like she was thinking, But the tape measure said!?!  What happened?  How did I go wrong?
          It didn’t dawn on me until I was walking out of the store that I should have explained to her what happened (she was clearly too young to know) …

          I was wearing a thin, stretched-out, cotton bra when she measured me.  And “droopy mom boobs” are not the same thing as “perky young boobs.”  Our boobs have expanded and deflated so much that they ooze downward.  (Have you ever blown up a balloon really big and then let the air out?  Yeah, like that.)  And you can't measure them when they are drooping and oozing - because by the time we finish scooping it all back up and putting them into a supportive, high-quality bra, they gain a cup size.
 

          So, confused saleslady, it wasn’t your tape measure or your measuring skills.  It was physics, gravity.  Someday you’ll understand: Scoop first, then measure.