(Reposted from my other blog, Love, Heal Me)
One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn in my spiritual life (and in my earthly life) is to let myself be loved by someone . . . by Someone.
I come from a very dysfunctional home. A bio-dad and two step-dads by the time I was 8. And then another step-dad (after a very messy divorce) when I was in my late-20’s. I didn’t grow up with my bio-dad or his family. I didn’t even really meet them until my teens. And then after that, I’d see my grandparents, uncles, and cousins about once or twice a year, sometimes less. And I’d see my dad and half-siblings once every several years or so.
I never really felt like I belonged to a dad or had a place in my extended families. And this feeling carried over to my relationship with God.
I didn’t know it earlier in my Christian life, but my relationship with Him was based on fear, not on love. I desperately wanted to please Him not because I loved Him and valued His love for me, but because I was afraid of “doing it wrong,” of being displeasing to Him, of failing Him. I never really felt like I belonged to Him or mattered to Him, like He could really love me for me. And so I felt like I had to earn His love and acceptance and grace.
I didn’t really know how to let myself be loved by Him because I didn’t feel like I was worth loving. And I didn’t understand the unconditional nature of His love, that I don’t have to be worthy of love because He loves us anyway, as we are. And so I kept myself busy trying to earn His love . . . when what I really needed to do was simply accept it for the free gift that it is.
Forgiveness is the same way for many people. They can’t accept the free gift of forgiveness because they don’t feel like they deserve it (or maybe they just don’t think they need it). And since they don’t feel they deserve it, they keep trying to polish themselves up so that they are “worthy” of forgiveness (or else they simply “give up” and stop caring).
But that’s a detrimental spot to be in, because we cannot truly experience God’s love or forgiveness when we are so busy running around trying to earn them. Because they cannot be earned!
It’s like we run around all day trying to do more and be better and polish ourselves up more sparkley and shiny, and then we run up to God and say, “Am I good enough now for Your love and forgiveness?”
And God says, “No. But . . .”
And before He can finish, we run out and try harder and do more.
“Am I good enough now?”
“No. But . . .”
Run, run, run. Do better. Be more. Try harder. Polish, sparkle, shine.
“How about now?”
“No. But . . .”
And it isn’t until we are so tired of trying so hard that we finally fall down at His feet in despair and admit that we can’t do it, that we will never be good enough to earn His love and forgiveness and grace. And it’s only then - when we are exhausted enough by our own striving and efforts - that we are finally able to hear what God’s been trying to say.
“No. But you can never earn them anyway. I knew that all along, and I was just waiting for you to realize it. My gifts can’t be earned. But that’s why I made them free and readily available. I already paved the way and paid the price. And I am offering you My love and forgiveness and grace right now, as you are, in your messiness and failures and brokenness. You don’t have to do anything to earn them. All you have to do is reach out, open up your empty hands, and accept them.”
In and of ourselves, we do not deserve His love or forgiveness or grace or favor or attention or anything. And we will never be able to deserve them or earn them. So as long as we keep trying to earn them, we’ll never experience them. (And there are some people who feel so helpless and hopeless about themselves that they don’t even bother to try to reach for His love and forgiveness. They simply wallow in their helplessness, never reaching out and grabbing onto God’s outstretched hand. Tragic.)
I think Satan loves to convince people that they have to earn these free gifts, because that keeps them busy trying to do more and be better and polish themselves up. If he can keep us focused on our efforts and our pathetic-ness, we will not focus on God or be able to accept the freely-available love and forgiveness that we are desperately working for.
But Satan is defeated every time a person stops striving so hard and just opens their hands and accepts God’s free gifts. Gifts that are available to all, yet only acquired by those who are willing to admit that they do not (and cannot) ever deserve or earn them and who want them badly enough to simply, humbly accept them.
It’s hard for some of us to grasp the most amazing, most crucial thing about grace, forgiveness, and God’s love – that it’s all free. It costs us nothing because Jesus paid the price for it all. And we can stop running in circles trying to earn them. They are already ours, just waiting for us to grab onto them.
Sadly enough, there are people who will remain unbelievers because they cannot admit that they need or want God’s grace. They cannot believe that God’s gifts are free or that there are things in life that they could never earn. It would be too humbling, a blow to their pride. They would rather work hard to earn everything they get.
And then there are believers who will remain in bondage to fears of being “not good enough” and fears of displeasing the Lord. They spend their energy polishing themselves up, accomplishing more, and behaving properly, instead of allowing themselves to enjoy God’s presence and the freedom that comes with embracing His love and forgiveness and grace.
Many of us who come from broken pasts have to work through fears, scars, self-esteem issues, and other obstacles that prevent us from allowing ourselves to be loved and cherished and forgiven. And this is not easy to do, not when you’ve grown up learning to protect yourself from being vulnerable, from having to lean on others, and from taking risks with your heart and your trust.
It is so hard to trust when you’ve been hurt in the past. But a major part of a healthy relationship with the Lord - with being able to accept His free gifts and with letting Him fully into your heart and life - is to be able to trust that He is who He says He is, that He is a good, loving, faithful Father. And that we are who He says we are, that we are sinful, fallen people whom He dearly loves anyway and whom He wants to have a relationship with and spend eternity with.
And that’s why He makes forgiveness and love and salvation free . . . because He wants us to have them. That’s why He paid the penalty for our sins by sending Jesus to die in our place, because He wants us to have an eternal relationship with Him. He wants us to have a healed heart and the peace and joy that come with letting Him into our broken lives.
But we have to be willing to open our hearts to Him in trust. We have to take the risk of leaning on Him and of being vulnerable with Him. We have to admit that we can never earn His gifts and that we will never be “good enough.” We have to accept them for the free gifts they are.
It doesn’t matter to Him that we are broken and weak and incapable and unpolished. He dearly loves us anyway. As we are.
“God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all that fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:17-19)
