I'll be honest, I'm struggling today.
The news headlines are so overwhelming that it feels like we'll never be okay again. The weather is so dreary and rainy and cool that it feels like we'll never get a summer before winter comes again. Friends are hurting from struggles in their lives, losses, heartaches, fears. We left our church because of theological problems, and now (while I am enjoying the refreshment of staying home on Sundays, watching sermons online with my family) I am feeling the loss of my church home, of the people I used to see weekly, of fellowship. And I struggle with not being able to talk about our theological concerns with those still at the church. I want to shout from the rooftops our concerns about this pastor's preaching, but most people like him and agree with him and don't want to hear our concerns and warnings. And so we keep quiet, aching to warn them but not wanting to hurt them. And I fear that we are going to hurt our kids with this church-change, pulling them away from the friends too, hurting their chance for godly relationships. But what can we do? We can't stay and support that man's view of God! And then there are other fears I struggle with. Failing. Hurting my kid's futures. Never being good enough. Letting people down. Doing it all wrong. Etc. Etc. Etc. And yesterday, I got a text saying my mom was back in the hospital (involuntarily) for a three-day observation because of her drinking. If she was admitted for this, then she must have been in bad condition. I don't even want to know the details.
All I want to do right now is listen to these songs ... and cry. Some days - when it feels like it's all about to fall apart - that's all you can do...
Honestly by The City Harmonic (I haven't been able to get this chorus out of my mind for the past few days.)
Praise the Lord by The City Harmonic (Sometimes, this is the only way to get through the day!)
Fell Apart by The City Harmonic (I know how this feels. In heaven, I am going to seek out the members of this band to hug them and tell them what their music meant to me, how it kept me going when I wanted to give up. And I'm going to hug Tony Evans for preaching Truth, for being there when we left our church and I needed a reliable, godly preacher to listen to. I'm going to hug these people and cry!)
Oh What Love by The City Harmonic (It doesn't get much better than the truths in this song! When I'm hurting too badly to pray on my own, I close my eyes and let songs like these be my prayer for me.)
How about a few from Tenth Avenue North? Hold My Heart and By Your Side and Healing Begins and Worn (Anyone else understand the feeling of being tired just from the effort it takes to "keep on breathing"?)
Another great song: Strong Enough by Matthew West
And one by Crowder that always makes me smile, reminding me that God's always here with us, that He never leaves our side, even in the pain: I AM
And In The Sky by Bob Carlisle, Russ Lee, and Ashley Cleveland, because I am waiting for this day! And I hope and pray it's soon!
