One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn in my spiritual life (and in my earthly life) is to let myself be loved by someone . . . by Someone.
I come from a very dysfunctional home. A bio-dad and two step-dads by the time I was 8. And then another step-dad (after a very messy divorce) when I was in my late-20’s/late-30's. I didn’t grow up with my bio-dad or his family. I didn’t even really meet them until my teens. And then after that, I’d see my grandparents, uncles, and cousins about once or twice a year, sometimes less. And I’d see my dad and half-siblings once every several years or so.
I never really felt like I belonged to a dad or had a place in my extended families. And this feeling carried over to my relationship with God.
I didn’t know it earlier in my Christian life, but my relationship with Him was based on fear, not on love. I desperately wanted to please Him not because I loved Him and valued His love for me, but because I was afraid of “doing it wrong,” of being displeasing to Him, of failing Him. I never really felt like I belonged to Him or mattered to Him, like He could really love me for me. And so I felt like I had to earn His love and acceptance and grace.
I didn’t really know how to let myself be loved by Him because I didn’t feel like I was worth loving. And I didn’t understand the unconditional nature of His love, that I don’t have to be worthy of love because He loves us anyway, as we are. And so I kept myself busy trying to earn His love . . . when what I really needed to do was simply accept it for the free gift that it is.