So there we were . . . the church was packed, Canon in
D Major was playing (I love that!), and Jason was waiting for me at the end
of the aisle. I stood there next to my
step-father, Bob, who was going to give me away. And I was waiting for the doors to open so
that I could start my walk towards my husband-to-be.
And I waited! And
I waited! And I . . . waaaaaited! It seems that the guy in charge of the music
was waiting for the doors to open before starting the processional music. And we were waiting for the processional
music to start before we opened the doors.
Ten, fifteen minutes - who knows?
I was yelling at one of the attendants to go tell the music guy to START
THE MUSIC so we could open the doors.
I’m sure people were beginning to whisper, thinking maybe I pulled a Runaway
Bride.
Finally, we heard the first notes of Here Comes the
Bride and the line of bridesmaids began their walk. As I started my walk down the aisle, I only
had one thought in my head. This is your
wedding day. It will be over so fast, so
try to remember it. I made sure to
look around at all the guests and the bridal attendants, to soak up the
memories. And about halfway down the
aisle, it occurred to me. I hadn’t
looked up at Jason yet. Oops!
But when I did, I smiled at him and he smiled at me. We had waited years for this moment. And now it was here! And suddenly, I had the overwhelming urge to
. . . turn and run. I wanted to
yell, “Stop the music! We’re not doing
this! It’s not what I want!” But it isn’t what you think!
I wanted to turn and run with Jason. I wanted to get out of there and to board
a plane and get married on a secluded beach somewhere. Just him and me (and any passers-by who would
like to be our witnesses). I wanted to
get away from all that the wedding had become.
Somewhere along the way, wedding preparation takes on a
life of its own. It becomes this
unstoppable force that just keeps rolling along, whether or not you get your
feet under you. Sometimes, it feels like
you are the servant to this domineering master.
And before you even have the chance to catch your breath, the wedding
day is upon you, and you are wondering, How did we get to this point
already? He just proposed a few months
ago! (Or so it felt like!)
And for me, what I really wanted to get away from was the
sick, disheartening feeling that I had been carrying around because two very
prominent people in my life weren’t very supportive of this marriage. For months, I had quietly been bearing the
burden of knowing that they were not happy for me. And I had a hard time enjoying the engagement
and the wedding with this cloud hanging over it.
One of them had noticed the unhealthy fears and behavior
changes that surfaced once Jason and I got together. But she incorrectly interpreted it as though
the relationship was unhealthy. She
wasn’t convinced when I explained what it really was: long-repressed fears
coming to the surface and needing to be worked through.
But, God bless her, she was just trying to look out for
me. And she cared enough for my
well-being to speak up, even if it risked hurting our friendship. (Which it did, for a while.) And I think it may have had something to do
with her own issues, too, because she had just called off her own wedding just
months before. But it was still hard,
especially since she was standing up in the wedding. And I couldn’t really ask her to step down,
even after she told me that she didn’t think I should be marrying him. What was I to do?
And the other person who wasn’t very supportive . . .
well, let’s just say it was their own issues, too. And I’m sure they meant well. But it still hurt! And that’s all I’ll say about that.
Because of the subtle and not-so-subtle grief that I got
from those two people, I walked down that aisle feeling as though the smiles on
my guests’ faces were actually condescending smiles of pity and sympathy,
instead of joy. I could almost hear them
thinking, Poor Heather! She thinks
she’s in love. But she’s also thinks
she’s a chicken and the Queen of England, so we can’t be too hard on her. Poor, confused thing!
It wasn’t what I would have wanted for my wedding
day. But it would be over soon, and I
would be a married woman and starting a life of my own. (But as a bonus, my biological father was
there with his family: my beloved grandparents, my aunts and uncles and
cousins, and my half-siblings on my dad’s side.
And I got to have Sara, my half-sister that I barely knew, stay with me
for a week beforehand. So in some ways,
the whole “big, white wedding” was worth it just for that.) So, given all that had happened in the past
few months, things could only get better!
Right?
The ceremony went just fine. None of the attendants passed out or fell
down the stairs that they were standing on.
So that was good! But my dress
was way . . . too . . . tight. I had wanted to get it fitted so that it
showed off my nice, tiny waist.
(Hey! It’ll never be that tiny
again.) But I guess that I shouldn’t
have fought the seamstress to take off that last quarter inch, because she
pulled it just a little too tight. And
for the whole day, I had to choose between breathing or sitting.
And then, it was a hot, humid ninety-five degrees outside
. . . in early June. And you already know about how well heat and I get
along. I have always had trouble with
intense heat. And going from the heat to
the air conditioning to the heat to the air conditioning was wreaking havoc on
my system. And I was beginning to feel
sick!
I figured maybe I should lay down after the ceremony and
rest a few moments before going onto the reception hall. So the whole bridal party stopped off at our
new apartment for a small break. As soon
as I got into the bedroom, I stripped out of my gown and laid down on the bed
in my underthings, as everyone camped out in the living room.
Unfortunately, we forgot that the landlord had just
painted the whole apartment. The fumes
were overwhelming. And the whole place
was hot and sticky since the air conditioning never got turned on. So while I had a moment to rest my head, I
also began to get a lot sicker. (Wow,
this day just keeps getting better and better!)
And did I mention the motion sickness? I don’t do well in the backseat of cars or in
planes or on boats. I was already
sluggish and weak, since I hadn’t eaten anything or slept well in a few days
because I was so busy with last minute preparations. And now I was sick from the paint fumes and
the heat. And then, we had to get in the
car to drive to the reception. A
forty-five minute drive of constant rocking, up and down, back and forth,
head-spinning rocking!
I probably should have driven the car myself, because
being in the back seat pushed me over the edge.
The best man was driving, the maid-of-honor was in the front seat, Jason
was next to me, and I . . . I was puking my guts out into a little plastic
baggy.
We even had to stop at a gas station so I could run into
the bathroom in my beautiful, sleeveless gown with the huge, puffy skirt and
throw up into the grimy public toilet.
And to make it even better . . . the bathroom was on the outside of the
building, facing the street. Oh, to be a
car driving past at that moment! Oh,
yeah, another one of my finer moments!
(We now point this out as “the gas station Mommy threw up in while
wearing her wedding gown” to our kids.)
Well, we finally made it to the reception hall. (What was I thinking picking one so far from
the church?) And I was sick the whole
way there. I had to get something to eat
because I was losing strength fast, and a lot of body fluids. When we arrived, we had our little
introduction and processional into the reception hall. They put on the Star Wars theme song,
introduced the attendants, the parents, the bride and groom . . . Mr. and Mrs.
Jason Blah, Blah, Blah.
But all I could think was food! We took our seat at the head table, where I
immediately undid the back of my dress because I couldn’t breathe sitting down,
and I shimmied out of my crinoline-skirt-under-the-dress thingy under the
table. And I waited to be served the
meal that we carefully picked out a year before. The one I had been anticipating for
months.
And I couldn’t eat one bite of it. My stomach was so tight from puking the whole
way and from not eating for days that I couldn’t get any of the food to go down
my throat. It was all too heavy, too
much starch and protein. (Stupid
Champagne Chicken!) So I requested some
fruit and was able to get a tiny bit of watermelon down. And that was all I had for my wedding dinner
- three bites of watermelon!
When I got up to go to the bathroom to splash my face
with cold water, the reception planner took one look at my woozy, pale face and
she grabbed my hand and said, “You are going to lay down in my office.” I was too weak to fight! And I really did want to lay down. That sounded so nice.
So while everyone else ate the wonderful dinner (I got to
hear about how good it was later!), I laid down in my unbuttoned gown on the
floor of a dark, cool office in the basement.
I couldn’t pick up my head if I wanted to. So I just laid there while the light from the
security-television screen flooded the room with the most soothing blue
light. The chill of the floor felt great
on my head. And it was quiet. And it was peaceful. And Jason sat at the table alone, eating his
wedding dinner by himself and greeting our guests without me. And he had no idea where I was.
Finally, though, someone told him where I was. And I’ll never forget the moment when he came
downstairs. It was the best moment of my
wedding day. From my sideways view to
the door (since my head was on the floor), I saw the door open and Jason’s feet
walking towards me. Then I felt him
kneel down next to me and gently run his hand over my hair and my back. And we just sat there in the cool blueness
all alone for the most peaceful minutes of my day. Just him and I on the floor of the basement
office, while the guests celebrated our wedding just above us. And that is, honestly, my favorite memory of
an otherwise wacky day.
We did eventually get upstairs to dance and enjoy the
guests. And it was only by sheer willpower
that I made it through. But, finally, it
was all done and over. Months of
planning and preparation and headaches.
And now we were married and heading out to Texas for our honeymoon. (Hey!
Don’t mess with Texas!)
And that is the beginning of our life together! While the engagement and wedding day may not
have been all that we wanted them to be, we now had time to ourselves to just
be young and married and care-free. All
the time in the world!
