There's a song at the end of The Battle of the Five Armies (from the Hobbit trilogy) that's become one of my favorite songs. I feel this song, especially the line about "Many places I have been, many sorrows I have seen..." That's kinda been my last several years: many sorrows I have seen. Many trials. Many heartbreaks. (Everyone who lives long enough will have many of these.)
Most recently, I had the awful experience of being on the witness stand for three hours, giving testimony against my mom. And after nearly a week of trial, she was found guilty of ... well, of something really bad. (She insists she didn't do it, but we think otherwise. It's not exactly like the prosecution says, but close enough.) And now she will spend her life in prison.
Many sorrows I have seen.
I don't know if I'll ever see her again. The last memory I have of her could very well be her sitting in the courtroom, looking so old and worn and upset (and yet defiant), wiping tears from her eyes. Unable to hug her, to reach out and touch her. (At least I didn't have to see her in prison-orange or in handcuffs. I didn't want that to be the image I was left with. It's bad enough I saw pictures of it.) And I don't know if she'll ever call or write again. I think it's the end of those days. Why would she even want to talk to me anyway, when I was such a big part of her getting caught and convicted? (I had to do it. I didn't want to, but I had to. It was the right thing to do before God and man.)
But it probably doesn't matter. The last many years with her have been too full of heartache anyway: her suicidal drinking, her drunken phone calls, picking her up from someone's house after she drank herself silly and could barely stand straight and couldn't remember the date, picking her up from the hospital after she drank herself into a coma, feeling my stomach drop every time the phone rang (especially at night), her screaming fits, the VERY messy divorce between her and my previous step-dad, watching her destroy my step-dad (turning him into someone who ended up in jail, too, because of drugs, because she made him hopeless, destroying him and everything he had), going to their house to check that she didn't drug herself to death or that her body wasn't hanging from the rafters with a rope around her neck, etc..
Many sorrows I have seen.
But I guess that's over now. And that's a good thing, I guess. This whole situation hurts. It sucks. It's heartbreaking. It should've never been this way. But it's a good thing it's over, I guess.
It's been a hard road to walk. It's sad to remember the bad times. But it's also sad to remember the good times, when my mom was happy and had a bright future, when our family was all together and had fun (I can't look at old, happy photos). It's tragic to see where she - and we - ended up, watching her slowly destroy herself over the years, taking others down with her. It's heartbreaking to watch people you care about disintegrate, to watch the light fade and night take over, yet you can't do anything to stop it or fix it.
But I guess in the end, I have to let go of my regret, my heartbreak, to hand it all over to the Lord, trusting that if I release the broken pieces of my past and my heart into His wise, capable, loving hands, He will turn it all into something good.
Someday.
Many sorrows I have seen. But I guess, in the end, that's okay. Because our God is a God who brings healing out of pain, strength out of weakness, joy out of heartache, wholeness out of the shattered pieces.
Isaiah 33:2: "O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."
Psalm 34:17: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 40:1-3: “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.”
Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
While the journey has been most unpleasant at times, the Lord has been with me through it all, even when it felt like He wasn't.
Deuteronomy 31:8: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
He hurt when I hurt. He cried when I cried. He held me when I couldn't stand anymore. And He didn't want it to be this way either (which is why He gave us His Word to live by and rules to follow, because He knows that living the way He wants us to is best not just for His glory and Kingdom, but for our lives and futures as well).
But through it all, He's been walking this hard road with me, through the good times and the bad, the brightest days and darkest nights. And I won't forget that.
My Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer.
My Strength, my Shield, my Salvation.
Psalm 3:3-6,8: “But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side…. From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people.”
Psalm 9:9-10: "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who hope in your name will trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Psalm 18:1-3: "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies."
Psalm 46:1-3: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though the waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”
No matter what the future holds, no matter the dark valleys that still await me, I know that He'll be with me till the end, till He takes me down the path that leads Home, when I bid a very fond farewell to this world. (Of course, I hope it happens in the rapture, like really, really soon, because I am so ready to get out of here. I long for the day Jesus returns. Come, Lord Jesus.)
Revelation 22:20: "... Amen. Come, Lord Jesus."
I think one of the reasons The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit have become one of my absolute all-time favorite movies/books - one of the reasons I love Bilbo and Frodo Baggins so much - is because I can relate to them, to feeling so small and inadequate yet having to embark on a difficult journey you didn't want to take, facing enemies you couldn't imagine, being forced to carry a burden you never asked for, having to resolutely set your focus on climbing Mount Doom to complete the terrible task given to you, no matter how afraid you are or how much it hurts.
I'm really not much more than a Hobbit.
A scared, exhausted, weak, little Hobbit.
"I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened," said Frodo.
"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time given to us," replied Gandalf.
(From the movie version of The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien)
[I'm sorry, Mom, that this is how life has turned out. Such a tragedy. Such a heartbreak. I wish I didn't have to say what I did in court (I wish you never did what you did), but I had to say it. Because it was the truth. But no matter what, I still love you. I just wish you would let the truth set you free. Until you begin telling the truth, you'll always be in bondage to your lies and there will be a wedge between us and between you and God. It's time to come clean, Mom. It's the only way you'll ever be able to rest easy again. And then God can find a role for you in prison. You still have a purpose. God can still use you. There are many in prison who need to hear about Him, who need some eternal hope. You can be a light in that dark place, but you have to start telling the truth. And until then, I'll keep loving you, but it'll have to be from a distance. I'm sorry.]
We don't always get to decide the path we walk, the trials or enemies we face, the rings we're forced to carry, the type of pain that knocks us down... but we can decide how we do it, how we go through it and grow through it. We can decide to do our best and to do what's right no matter what, regardless of how "unfair" life is - to be faithful to the Lord and to praise God anyway, trusting that He cares for us, that He will carry us through it and straighten our paths as we walk, that He will give us the strength and wisdom and words when we need it, that He will handle what we can't handle and pick up the pieces we drop, and that He will someday work it all into good.
1 Peter 5:7: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..."
Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God."
And so here it is, a song for these many difficult years, a song for me, for all "hobbits" everywhere: The Last Goodbye
[That song/video is responsible for my addiction to The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. I'd already been enjoying the books and movies over the years, but that song began my obsessive, can't-get-enough, it's-mine-all-mine addiction to them while watching the movies again during lockdown in March 2020. And it's an addiction I like, that I intend to never give up. (Will we get to watch movies in heaven? I wonder.) For another Bilbo post of mine, see "The Hobbit". And for more about the situation with my mom, see "We'll make it through this together!"]
And here are a few Psalms that are totally worth memorizing because they are so comforting. If I did it, you can too. What a help it is to have these Psalms stored in my heart, to be able to repeat them to myself when fear or discouragement hit, when I am in bed at night and my mind starts racing, or when I am standing in the back of the courtroom waiting to be called up as the next witness. Memorize them, or ones you like better. You never know when you will need them.
Psalm 23: “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalm 27: “The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord. Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’ Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
Psalm 91: "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up with their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lions and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. 'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him, and show him my salvation.'"
