I don't watch music videos often or go looking online for ones, but this one popped up on my feed and I was curious.
Lonely by Justin Bieber
I'm posting a link to it for several reasons.
One is because it's so honest. So heartbreakingly real. So haunting. My goodness! (Well done, Justin. My heart is aching for you. I wish I could hug you right now.)
Two is because I think many people can relate to it, to feeling invisible, like they don't matter, like no one really cares what they're going through or how badly they're hurting inside.
And three is because he uses some pretty heavy cuss words in it. Yes, that's right, the "bad" words are one of the reasons I'm linking to it, why I'm suggesting that people - church people - watch it.
We, especially church people, all too often judge people (and ourselves) by outside things, like the clothes they wear, the things they eat or drink, the words they use, etc. People are dying on the inside, aching for someone to hear them, searching for hope and help and healing, dying to know that someone cares about the pain they are going through ... but we "tsk tsk," shake our head in judgment, and shun them or shame them all because they aren't as proper and polished as we think they should be. All because they said a "bad word."
We care more about their mistakes, their shortcomings, their rough-edges than we do about the pain they feel, the broken hearts they carry around. We care more about what's on the outside than what's on the inside. More about what they said or did than who they are. More about how it offended us than how much they hurt, how much they need someone to listen, to understand, to love them anyway.
[If you care more about the "bad word" than his message, his heart's cry, then maybe you should spend some time in prayer, asking God to reveal the "Pharisee" in you, how it's affecting your faith and relationships, and what you should do about it. And I think the fact that anyone would give this video a "thumbs down" shows just how heartless we have become! Shame on you all! And just wait until it's your turn to break down in hopeless pain. Then you'll understand. I tell ya, if this song doesn't just punch you in the heart then there's something wrong. Either that, or you've just been so pampered by a good life that you can't relate. But you will. Someday, you will. So be compassionate now, reaching out in love to the hurting ones around you. Because someday it will be your turn to hurt, to break, to need compassion and a shoulder to cry on. Mark my words. (If you want, read about how I broke here.)]
And on top of that, we care more about other people's sins than we do our own. We try to keep our distance from "those people" so that we don't get our nice, clean, righteous clothes dirty, instead of coming alongside them, getting down into the muck and filth with them to lift them up and help them get out of the pit they are in.
Sometimes, the only ones who can really help others out of the mucky, filthy pit are those who have been in the mucky, filthy pit themselves. Because the muck and filth doesn't scare or repel them anymore.
But those who've never been in the muck and filth are too afraid, too "perfect," to get dirty. And they fail to really see and help the hurting people around them ... all because of a few "bad words."
And I think Justin deliberately used words like that to show this. To shake up our proper, polished, Pharisee-attitudes. To show us that we often care more about what's on the outside than we do what's on the inside, that we'd rather let people suffer in their pain than wrap our arms around "sinners." We shun others for the speck in their eye while walking around with a huge plank in ours.
And the reason I think this is why he did it is because I would have done the same thing. (Not to mention that sometimes only the strongest words will do.)
After being a Christian for over 30 years ... after having gone through my own judgmental, legalistic phase where I thought for sure someone couldn't be a Christian if they used certain "bad words" ... after having been shaken out of my Pharisee attitudes by falling into some of the deepest, darkest, painful pits of my own, where almost no one saw my pain ... after hearing the pathetic pat answers that Christians often give others to "fix" their problems quickly ... after hearing Christians heartlessly say things like "Depression is a sin," without offering any real help or support or encouragement, just shaming others who are struggling, making them feel like their faith must be weak or bad if they are depressed or anxious or not full of the "joy of the Lord", etc.... I too want to shake others out of their proper, polished, judgmental, pat-answer, shaming-others, Pharisee attitudes. (No wonder Jesus liked people like the Pharisees the least!)
And sometimes it takes a few "bad words" to do it!
(And if I may ask, are we more offended by words society considers "bad" than we are by God's name being used in vain? I'm not suggesting it's okay to run around using "bad" words, but do we have our priorities straight as Christians? Are we more comfortable with God's name, Jesus's name, being taken in vain than we are with certain societal "bad words"? After all, according to Exodus 20:7, it's misusing the Lord's name that earns God's punishment, not necessarily using the words society defines as "bad." Just some food for thought.)
In fact, here's a few things I wrote awhile ago, along the same lines (You don't have to read them; I am reposting them for myself.) ...
This is a section from my post "My Panic Attack," where I shared a prayer I prayed and explained why I kept the cuss words in the prayer I prayed:
Here is my post called "Broken People":
“Jesus said to them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17)
“God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
Jesus did not come to call to the righteous, to call those who are spiritually-wise in their own eyes ... because they think they earn their way to heaven with their good deeds and proper living and spiritual wisdom and polished outside.
No! Jesus came to call the sinners, those who are broken and hurting and who know that they need Him and that they could never earn their way to heaven. And God loves us sinners enough to send Jesus to die for us.
And no one needs to polish themselves up to be worthy of that love. It is there. It is free. It is yours for the taking. As long as you know that you need it but can never earn it.
It’s not about being “good enough.” It’s just about accepting the free gifts of love and forgiveness and grace that God offers to us while we are still sinners, before we clean ourselves up.
Consider how Jesus treated the broken people He met. How about the woman at the well (John 4)? He didn’t focus on her sins and what she did wrong. He didn’t scold her for her lifestyle or pull back from her or treat her differently than anyone else.
Actually, He did treat her differently. He reached out to her, whereas others probably shamed her (which would explain why she was at the well alone in the middle of the day, instead of going when all the other women went).
Knowing that she was a broken person in need of healing, He approached her. In fact, He made sure to be at the well when she was there, not when all the other girls were there. But He did not scold or condemn her. He simply stated the truth that she had five husbands and was now living with a man she was not married to. He stated the facts about her life and told her that He was the Messiah and offered her everything He had to give – love, salvation, forgiveness. And then He left it up to her to come to the conclusion that she was living in sin and needed to change.
He didn’t make it about a change of behavior, but about a change of the heart first. Clean the inside of the cup before tackling the outside. He tried to draw her with simple truth and kindness, instead of turning His back on her or trying to shame her or trying to push her out of her sinful lifestyle.
And the woman caught in adultery in John 8? The religious leaders wanted to punish her, to give her what her actions deserved. But Jesus stood up for her. He gave her back her life instead of applying the required, appropriate penalty. He stopped the throwing of stones, even though He alone had every right to throw them.
It didn’t mean that He condoned her choices (He challenged her to leave her life of sin), although I am sure it might look like that to the religious leaders. But I think He cared more about where she was going than where she had been. He cared more about the potential for her to get her life right than He did about what she had done wrong. He cared more about making the judgmental, self-righteous people mind their own business than He did about making a show of “dishing out justice” to a sinner. And He cared more about reaching past her broken, sinful condition and touching her heart and offering her grace, mercy, forgiveness, and healing than He did about the fact that His actions might be interpreted by the religious leaders as supporting or excusing her immorality.
I fear that we Christians, in an effort to stand firmly on God’s Truth, can fail sometimes at seeing and loving the person behind the sin. We fail at focusing on our own standing before the Lord while we point out everything that everyone else does wrong. We fail at extending grace, mercy, kindness, and respect to “those sinners” because we don’t want to look like we have compromised God’s Word or gone soft on sin. We slam the door on sinners of various kinds and turn away from them so that it doesn’t look like we agree with their choices. We polish ourselves up so that we don’t look too real, too human, or too broken, like the rest of the people out there. We throw stones at others, when we should be shielding them from stones, even if they “deserve” it. We condemn them for their humanness instead of coming alongside them to help. We point fingers and shame others, when we should be standing next to them because we are all on the same level at the foot of God’s throne.
And finally, a post I wrote called "The Smoker":
There’s an experiment that I’ve been wanting to try at church. Daydream with me a moment about how this would play out:
Let’s say that I get up in front of a room full of people at church or a Christian retreat or wherever. And I say, “What’s going on with Christians nowadays? We are failing to show Christ’s love to others, to extend grace to those who are different than us. We are gossipy, critical, and judgmental towards each other. We are more concerned with how others are living than with how we are living, seeing the speck in their eye instead of the plank in ours. We fail to do the good that we know we should do. Our marriages and families are falling apart because we are putting ourselves first and have the wrong priorities and cannot keep our vows. We are compromising the Truth of the Gospel to please people. We barely even know what the Bible really says because we are failing to abide in it. We are seeking pleasure instead of righteousness and God’s kingdom. We are building up our treasures on earth and seeking our own happiness, just like everyone else. And in the process, we are growing weak, lazy, lukewarm, and sleepy. And this shit has got to stop!”
Now, what do you think would be going through most people’s minds at that point? What do you think would be the topic of conversation later when they all got together to discuss what I said?
Come on, admit it ... you know exactly what they would think because it’s the same thing you thought: “I can’t believe she just said the word ‘shit’ in church!”
I think there would be more focus on that four-letter word than on the discouraging condition of the average Christian life nowadays. (I recently read a comment on a blog where someone criticized the blog author for using the word “dang.” And it wasn’t even written “dang.” It was written as “d*ng.” They completely ignored what the post was about and zeroed in on that word. And very recently - 2020 - I saw an article where Kanye gave a speech about how God got his attention, basically telling him that he's got to get his priorities straight, warning him that if he messes with God's plans then God's gonna mess with his. But the thing is, he didn't say "mess with." He said "f*ck with." And wouldn't you know it, but an article I read in an online Christian news site focused solely on his use of that word, starting with big bold letters in the title, shaming and criticizing him for that word, discrediting any good point he made or the great message he was trying to get across ... all because they couldn't get past that "bad word." And they judged him harshly for it, completely missing the point. I happen to think the article writer might be more "lost" than Kanye in this case.)
I think there would be more Christians finger-pointing at me and shaking their heads in disapproval for that one word than there would be those who let their hearts be convicted about their own shortcomings before the Lord. After all, if we focus on what others are doing wrong, it’s easy to ignore what we are doing wrong. If we point out the speck in other people’s eyes then maybe no one will notice the plank in ours. If we major in the minors, we can look “righteous and holy” while ignoring the bigger things.
And I think the problem is four-fold:
1. We major in the minors and make mountains out of molehills.
2. We tend to focus on others instead of focusing on ourselves.
3. We tend to focus on our outsides instead of on our insides. We clean up our outsides (polishing them up really nice with “proper” behavior and speech) instead of focusing on our heart’s condition. As long as we look good on the outside, we think we are okay.
4. And we expect other people to clean up their outsides too. Yet we fail to see or care about what’s really going on in their hearts. We judge them by their appearance, their speech, their sins, their “sins,” and the annoying, little things that we don’t like about them ... instead of looking at their heart and their pain and their humanness and the person deep inside that Jesus loved and died for. We accept them when they are shiny and polished like we are, but we shun them when they are too human and real and raw and flawed.
We are more concerned with how others are walking and talking than with how we are. And we are more concerned with their outside behavior than we are with their heart or with loving the inside person and helping them find healing in Christ. (Can we say “Pharisee”?)
If they polish themselves up on the outside, then we accept them and we will sit by them in church. But if they are rough around the edges or struggle with sin or are broken inside, we don’t get too close because we don’t want to look like we condone their “fallen-ness.” (And we don’t want them to get our nice, white “Pharisee robes” dirty.)
So we keep our distance, and we wag our fingers, shake our heads, and cluck our tongues at them. After all, it’s the “godly” thing to do, right? To point out other people’s sins and shortcomings, to keep our distance from their fallen-ness, and to show how godly we are by comparison.
It’s sad, but I think it’s all-too-easy to fail to really see people. It’s easy to focus on their outsides instead of their hearts, to pass judgment on them instead of giving grace, to act as though we really know what they are going through and how they should be acting, and to live like we have some right to scold them.
For one reason or other, some of us forget that we are “one of them.” That we are human - fellow strugglers who are in need of daily grace and forgiveness, just as much as they are.
Some of us forget that God looks past all of the outside stuff and looks into our hearts. He looks past all the annoying, dirty smudges on the outside and sees the hurting hearts deep inside. (Oh, how I wish we were better at doing that with other people!) He doesn’t judge a person by what’s on the outside. He sees their hearts. And He reaches out to their hearts, reaching right past all the irritating, annoying outside stuff. And He is forgiving and gracious about all that outside stuff (of other people and ourselves), probably more so than we are.
And for us “holier-than-thou” types, we forget that He looks past the impressive, polished surface and the “clean, white Pharisee-robe.” And He sees a heart that is in need of help, grace, mercy, and understanding, too. He sees our ugly heart attitudes instead of our shiny, glamorous outsides. He sees the doubts and fears and negative self-thoughts that we try so hard to hide. The ones that make us work so hard at polishing up our outside and that make us point fingers at others to make ourselves feel better. He sees the very unpolished, real, raw inside and the fact that we have no right to point a finger at anyone else.
Let’s not judge others for their messy outsides while acting like we are somehow “better” because we polished up ours.
Instead, let’s regularly search our hearts and get ourselves right with God, being concerned with how we are on the inside – our hearts, our motives, our priorities, our heart attitudes – instead of being concerned with how impressive we think we look on the outside.
And let’s not judge others for their messy outsides while ignoring their hearts. Let’s care about their pain, their struggles, their fears. Let's see their humanness and brokenness and neediness ... and let's remember that we are no better than they are. Let’s live Christ to them, reaching out to them and loving them with the unconditional love that Christ has so lavishly poured out on all of us. Let’s have some grace and understanding and compassion, instead of acting like we have some right to condemn and criticize and scold.
We need to see past the rough exteriors and into their hearts, to see the person that Christ loves so much and died for. And we need to remember that we are all on level ground at the foot of the cross. None of us deserves God’s grace or forgiveness, no matter how “high and mighty” we feel or how polished we are on the outside. We all look alike on the inside. We all have fears and doubts and pain. We all need love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, understanding, and a helping hand.
I remember a lesson that my mom shared once about what happens when we judge someone based on the outside, instead of being more concerned with the inside.
At the time, she was our youth leader (basically, the youth pastor). And one day before youth group, one of the new-ish teens was smoking outside the youth building. And my mom went out to confront him. She scolded him and told him that he could not be here if he was going to smoke. She made it more about what he did than about who he was and how God saw him. She made it more about his behavior than his heart, more about his flaws than his soul. But she thought she was doing the right thing, the godly thing, confronting him about his shortcomings and ungodly behavior.
He came looking for hope, for help. But what he got was condemnation and humiliation.
And do you know what happened?
He left. And he never came back.
