Last week sometime, I made a very deliberate effort to decide to not believe that everything goes wrong all the time, to have hope that things were going to be okay and that I'd make it through the crushing trials. Generally, I wake up with a feeling of anxiety (and I have for over 3 years now), but that morning I had decided "No more! I can't keep living like this. I'm just going to trust that God's got it in His hands and that it's going to be okay. I am just too tired to be anxious anymore." And I felt rather relaxed for the day, in a way I hadn't in a long time. And it felt good!
And then ...
that very night ...
the night I felt like I had finally turned a new leaf ...
one of my young sons comes to me sobbing for the first time ever about the anxiety he feels about life. I had no idea that was going on inside of him. And then we all got the flu really bad for a week. And then he came to me sobbing again a couple night ago. And not only that, but another son recently told me about his anxieties too, how he feels everything always goes bad and how someone always dies.
How discouraging! To know that two wonderful kids - who are at an age where they should think life is full of wonder and good things, who should think the future is wide-open, full of great possibilities and opportunities - are hurting so badly deep inside, feeling like life is hopeless, always expecting bad things to happen.
BREAKS MY FREAKIN' HEART!
It makes me want to cry and get anxious every time I think of it. I want what we all want for our kids, for them to be young, carefree, hopeful, and optimistic, to know that life is full of good things and exciting opportunities. They shouldn't be like me, full of fear and anxiety and sadness. I myself have been terrified by the painful, hopeless, anxious feelings for so long (while doing my best to keep it hidden from the kids). I know the incredible struggle it takes to work through that kind of pain. And I was finally starting to get myself together, to feel like I was having some success battling against it. And then ... to have my young kids tell me that they're in the same kind of hopelessness and pain, the kind I can barely handle myself. Breaks my freakin' heart.
And the worst part is that I couldn't say much to comfort them. I couldn't say "Oh, you don't need to be anxious, it'll be okay, just enjoy life, the bad things don't usually happen anyway." I couldn't say this when I myself know the crushing weight of unwanted anxiety, the extreme effort it takes to wrestle through it. I couldn't say this after we've lost one person after the next for the past several years, after they've been through my mom trying to drink herself to death the past 3 years (always ready for the day we got a call saying she died), after she was recently arrested for the death of someone I knew, after we retreated into our house for weeks for fear of who knew about it and of what people were saying and of death threats (my brothers were getting them, but thankfully we never did), and after seeing that my mom is fighting the charges which is leading to ongoing investigations and eventual court hearings where my brothers and I will have to take the stand against her.
I couldn't say "It's going to be okay, the bad things don't usually happen" ... because lately, they do. And I don't know how it will turn out, what new trial or heartache is awaiting us. I am riding this terrifying, unpredictable roller coaster of life with them, still in the midst of the bad things that "don't usually happen." And so I can't offer them simple words of encouragement. There are no pat answers to help us get through these kinds of things.
I used to be so optimistic. So hopeful about life. So confident, knowing all the right answers, able to handle anything. So ready to grab onto the blessings and enjoy the good things.
But now, I am just existing. Just trying to make it through another day without falling apart. And then another day after that. And then another day after that.
And I don't know anything anymore.
But ...
I do know God. And that's going to have to be enough to sustain me. Knowing that I don't have to know anything, because God does. That I don't have to "handle it," because He will. That I don't have to make the path straight, because that's His job. I don't really have to know anything other than to "be still and know that He is God" (Psalm 46:10). I don't really have to do anything other than to keep walking with Him, to cling to Him even when everything else is falling apart.
And so I am going to do my best to keep my eyes on Him, to trust that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9). And if that is truly true - and of course it is - then my extreme weakness is going to give Him a wonderful opportunity to show His strength!
(In my weakness and helplessness, I have come to see these as two of the greatest, most real, heart-felt prayers we can pray: "God, I believe. But help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24) and "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68). When you're so broken that you can pray no other prayers, these are good enough!)
Anyway, this Tony Evans sermon was meant for me. It was so incredibly helpful and encouraging, and it calmed my anxious heart right away. Not because it gave any kind of simple, pat answer or practical tip to make things "better." But just because it's a great reminder that life isn't necessarily supposed to go the way we thought it would, but that's okay. Because God's still got it in His hands! The messes and heartaches and unknown future and all. My job isn't to fix it or to make it work out a certain way; it's just to cling to Him. To the One who can fix it and who will make it work out in the best way possible.
1 Peter 5:7: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Psalm 34:17-18: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him ..."
Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
It was oddly comforting to hear all the tragedies Pastor Evans has been through in the past couple years, and yet to see him still clinging to the Lord in faith and in hope. To imagine all the people in his family who are grieving, who are struggling too. And then multiply that by all the other tragedies in the world that affect people. It made me feel less alone in my struggles and my pain. So many of us, the whole world over, know the kind of pain I'm talking about. And that's comforting, in a sad way. Because it reminds me that other people do understand, that they've been in the same place, even if our circumstances are different. I'm not alone. You're not alone. We all understand, and we're all just trying to make it through by the grace of God. And that's okay.
Even when everything else is falling apart, God never does. And so that's where our faith, security, hope and peace need to be found. In the Lord. Not in anything this wishy-washy, tragic, aggravating, roller-coaster-life has to offer us. Because He is the only thing that can be trusted to not let us down (even though it might feel like it sometimes). And someday, He will make all things good again and wipe away all tears and put an end to all pain. And that's a promise I'm holding onto. That this pain won't last forever. Hopelessness doesn't get the last word. Satan doesn't win.
I know it's cliché, but I'm gonna say it anyway: We don't need to fear what the future holds when we know the One who holds the future!
Proverbs 18:10: "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."
Psalm 103:19: "The Lord [is on] his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all."
Deuteronomy 31:8: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep in perfect peace he whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."
Help for my sons:
While I didn't have many soothing answers to help my sons, I did tell them that I understand, that I've gone through it myself too. That I still am. They're not alone, and their feelings are totally understandable and "normal," given the circumstances.
And I typed something up to give to them, some "spiritual warfare" things I've learned as I've battled through depression and anxiety myself. I didn't know the power of the "sword of the Spirit" until I was much older than them. And maybe I wouldn't have gotten to the terribly low points if I had known this stuff sooner. So I guess one of the silver linings of the pain they're going through at this young age is that they can learn to be more effective in the spiritual battle much earlier than I did. Maybe they will grow up in the Lord a lot faster than I did, and it will lead to a more stable, fulfilling spiritual life in the long run. This is my prayer.
Anyway, here is what I wrote for them. I might not be able to give them real help for their anxieties, but at least I can direct them to the only One who really can. (Also see "Using Scripture in Spiritual Battles" and "It Is Written..." and "80+ Verses for Spiritual Warfare"):
When you feel bad or have bad thoughts …
1. Say this out loud “In the name of Jesus Christ, I command all demons to leave me alone right now and to leave this house and my family. I am a child of God, and the Holy Spirit in me is greater than the devil and demons. I have submitted myself to God, I am resisting the devil, and so the devil must flee from me. Lord, please send Your heavenly angels right now to surround me and protect me, to keep me safe from evil and to comfort my mind. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
2. Say this out loud (turning Bible verses into prayers) …
“Lord, right now I am feeling afraid of the bad things in this world. But I thank You for being a big, strong, loving God who is watching over all things, who can handle the things that make me afraid, who will fix the bad things, and who will turn the bad things into something good. I believe You when You say, ‘The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe (Proverbs 18:10).’ And ‘the Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom (1 Timothy 4:18).’ And I trust that You have good plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). And so I am running to You right now, and I trust You to protect me, to keep me safe from evil, from fears, and from bad thoughts, and to turn my life and my future into something good. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
3. Or say out loud what you are feeling and then say "But Your Word says …" (or "But it is written …") and then add the Bible verse that fits best. There is power in saying Bible verses out loud. It is the “sword of the Spirit.”
Examples:
“Lord, I am afraid right now because it seems like evil is in control. But Your Word says, ‘The Lord [is on] his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all (Psalm 103:19).’”
“Lord, I am afraid right now, but I know that fear is from the devil, not from You. Because Your Word says, ‘The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).’ So I resist this spirit of fear that the devil is trying to push on me, and I believe the devil will flee from me because Your Word says ‘Resist the devil, and he will flee from you (James 4:7).’”
“Lord, this world feels scary right now and You feel far away. But Your Word says ‘The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged (Deuteronomy 31:8).’ And Your Word says, ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).’ And so I trust that You are holding me and this world and my future in Your hand.”
Verses for “But Your Word says …”
Proverbs 18:10: "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."
Psalm 27:1: "The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 103:19: “The Lord [is on] his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.”
2 Timothy 4:18: "The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom."
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
1 Peter 5:7: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Psalm 145:18: "The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."
Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Psalm 34:17-18: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Deuteronomy 31:8: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Psalm 55:16: "But I call to God, and the Lord saves me."
John 10:10: "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Psalm 46:10: “Be still and know that I am God.”
Ephesians 6:10-12: “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
James 4:7-8: "Submit yourself, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you."
2 Corinthians 10:3-4: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”
Philippians 4:13: “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Isaiah 26:3: “You will keep in perfect peace he whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”
Psalm 121:1-2: “I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
Psalm 62:5: “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.”
Isaiah 40:31: “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
1 John 4:4: "Greater is he who is in me [the Holy Spirit] than he who is in the world [the devil]."
2 Kings 6:16: "Don't be afraid ... Those who are with us [the angels] are more than those who are with them [the demons]."
Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Psalm 33:18: "The eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, who hope in his unfailing love."
Psalm 18:3: "I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies."
Psalm 9:9-10: "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who hope in your name will trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
James 1:5: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
1 Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Philippians 1:6: "... being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."
Colossians 3:2: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
2 Corinthians 5:7: "We walk by faith, not by sight."
Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Proverbs 16:3: "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
Philippians 4:19: "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
Psalm 91:9-12: "If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."
Proverbs 30:5: "Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him."
Psalm 55:22: "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."
Lamentations 3:25-26: "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things [that you need] will be given to you as well."
Psalm 27:1: "The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 103:19: “The Lord [is on] his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.”
2 Timothy 4:18: "The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom."
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
1 Peter 5:7: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Psalm 145:18: "The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."
Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Psalm 34:17-18: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Deuteronomy 31:8: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Psalm 55:16: "But I call to God, and the Lord saves me."
John 10:10: "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Psalm 46:10: “Be still and know that I am God.”
Ephesians 6:10-12: “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
James 4:7-8: "Submit yourself, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you."
2 Corinthians 10:3-4: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”
Philippians 4:13: “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Isaiah 26:3: “You will keep in perfect peace he whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”
Psalm 121:1-2: “I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
Psalm 62:5: “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.”
Isaiah 40:31: “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
1 John 4:4: "Greater is he who is in me [the Holy Spirit] than he who is in the world [the devil]."
2 Kings 6:16: "Don't be afraid ... Those who are with us [the angels] are more than those who are with them [the demons]."
Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Psalm 33:18: "The eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, who hope in his unfailing love."
Psalm 18:3: "I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies."
Psalm 9:9-10: "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who hope in your name will trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
James 1:5: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
1 Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Philippians 1:6: "... being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."
Colossians 3:2: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
2 Corinthians 5:7: "We walk by faith, not by sight."
Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Proverbs 16:3: "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
Philippians 4:19: "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
Psalm 91:9-12: "If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."
Proverbs 30:5: "Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him."
Psalm 55:22: "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."
Lamentations 3:25-26: "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things [that you need] will be given to you as well."
